‘I’m the one who stayed,’ he said. ‘I’m the one who looked after Pops, and took him places. I’m the one who held Mama when she cried, night after night. I’m the one who Maria leaned on.’ His face looked distant, and Jia wanted to take all his pain away and into herself and numb it with the morphine drip that was attached to her. ‘Do you know, she still sometimes calls me Zan? Maria and I are just shadows. Do you know how it feels never to be good enough?’ He looked tiny in that moment. He began to cry, his head in his hands, the sound of a man breaking in two echoing around the disinfected room.

Jia leaned over and put her arms around him, and he rested his head on her shoulder. They stayed that way for a long time, the tears rolling down his face and on to her neck, and her hands wiping them away.

‘I’m sorry I wasn’t here,’ she said. ‘But I am now and I’m not going anywhere again.’

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

Here is my Jirga, the people without whom this book would not be what it is.

Thank you to Nikesh Shukla, if it wasn’t for your kindness, support and practical help this book would not be a reality. So many people offer help, but few go the distance. You’re a bona fide superhero and I’m honoured to know you.

To my agent Abi, I waited my whole life to hear someone say ‘I got this’ and to know that they really did. Thank you for fielding emails, handling calls and navigating deals. If I ever go into battle, I’d like you with me.

To Arzu and Helen, thank you for your invaluable advice, brilliant insight, and attention to detail during the editing process. You shone a light on all the dark places I was hiding from and forced me to raise my game, but you did it with kindness.

To my editor Jenny Parrott, for the ‘dancing’ emails, the ‘yes’ and the pep talk. I love your enthusiasm!

To my sisters, Khola and Javaria, who read early drafts and kept telling me I should keep writing, and to Fozia who always brings the funny.

To Sabena, for always being on the other side of the phone and reminding me I’m not mad. I’m so glad I got on that flight.

To Mary, I could not have got through these last few years without you. Life feels easier when you’re around, I miss you.

To my husband, Adnan, for believing in me, even when I quit, thank you for rescuing me from myself.