MEG. You’re alright, Joan… Your Majesty, I mean… they’ll be so drunk they won’t be able to see anything anyway.

STEWART BROTHERS. King James, it is my honour to lie at the side of your bed to defend your royal person this night and all nights.

ALL MEN. King James!

BIG JAMES. Gentlemen, let’s get Scotland drunk!

A cheer, they all pour more wine into JAMES and each other.

JOAN. What do I do? What am I supposed to do?

MEG settles her on the bed, spreading her wedding dress out attractively.

MEG. You just sit here, Your Highness… and wait.

BIG JAMES. Don’t worry, Queen Joan, we’ll send him to you soon enough.

JOAN. I thought this was an antechamber. It’s tiny! How can the royal bedroom be so small? Why are all the rooms so small? This isn’t a castle, it’s a cottage perched on top of a rock!

WALTER. The lords of England have to witness each royal birth, in case a changeling’s slipped in under the bedclothes.

BIG JAMES. Aye, that’s the kind of trick they would pull.

ALISDAIR. But we’re cannier than that, never mind who pulls the royal baby out, who put it in!? That’s the trick you need to watch, eh? Eh?

BALVENIE. More wine, King James…

JAMES. Let me serve my Queen first…

He takes wine to JOAN as they all erupt, ‘Oh aye, you serve her, Jamie! We’ll see you serve her!’, etc.

(To JOAN, quiet.) We’ll wait for them to sleep. Don’t worry, I’ll be gentle, I’ll be… eh… slow, it will be…

JOAN (cuts him off). No, honestly, just be quick. Please, please just be quick.

He goes back to the others, they are roaring and singing. She gulps her wine, it spills, red on her white dress.

Meg, I’ve spoiled my dress.

JAMES comes to her on the bed. Everyone is round them, watching.

I’ve spoiled my dress.

End of Act One.

ACT TWO

A Dining Tent in the Grounds of Falkland Palace

A long table laid out with food. JOAN takes her place at the centre of the table. MEG, BALVENIE, the Stewart brothers, MURDAC and ISABELLA follow her in and take their own places.

This is nine months after Act One. JOAN is now very pregnant.

The BISHOP and MUSICIANS are waiting. Everyone waits in silence for a moment.

JOAN. The King will be with us shortly.

They wait.

Any moment.

They wait.

He was called away. Someone needed to talk to him. Something important, he said. He did say it was important.

They wait.

I think we could have the grace and the music, don’t you? I don’t think he’d expect us to keep you waiting, bishop.

The BISHOP rapidly delivers the grace in Latin and exits. The MUSICIANS start to play quietly. The Stewart boys start tearing into the food.

Yes.

We should eat.

We should all eat. I don’t think he would expect us to wait.

She turns to MURDAC.

We’ve had fine weather for the King’s parliament anyway.