You can have the whole cheerleading squad.

I want the girl in the tweed skirt and the horn-rimmed glasses…

Betty Finnebowski, the valedictorian!

Oh yes.

First, I want to copy her Trig homework

and then I want to make mad passionate love to her

for hours and hours,

until she reluctantly asks if we can stop

because she doesn’t want to miss Battlestar Galactica.

Summa Cum Laude, baby!

THAT is what I call erotic!

But do you ever see that kind of woman

in a contemporary adult film? No!

Which is why I’m gonna start writing and directing geek porno!

I shall be the quintessential nerd porn auteur!

And the women in my porno movies will be

the kind that drive nerds like me mad with desire:

I’m talking about the girls

who used to fuck up the grading curve!

The girls who were in the Latin Club

and the National Honor Society!

Chicks with weird clothes, braces,

four-eyes and 4.0 GPAs!

Brainy, articulate bookworms,

with MENSA cards in their purses and chips on their shoulders!

My porn starlets will come in all shapes and sizes.

My porn starlets will be too busy working on their PhD

to go to the gym.

In my kind of porn movies

the girls wouldn’t even have to get naked.

They’d just take the guys down to the rec room

and beat them repeatedly at chess,

and then talk to them for hours

about Heisenberg’s uncertainty principle

or the underlying social metaphors in the Alien movies.

Buy stock in some hand cream companies

because there is about to be a major shortage!

And I’m not just talking about straight porn, oh no!

There should be fuck films for my nerd brethren

of all sexual orientations! Gay Nerd Porn movies

with titles like Dungeons and Drag Queens.

This idea is a fucking goldmine.

I am going to make millions.

Because this country is full

of database programmers and electronics engineers,

and they aren’t getting the loving they so desperately need.

And you can help:

If you’re an intelligent woman who is interested in

breaking into the Adult Film Industry…

and if you can tell me the name

of Luke Skywalker’s home planet,

then you are hired!

It doesn’t matter if you think you’re overweight or unattractive.

It doesn’t matter if you don’t think you’re beautiful…

You are beautiful.

And I will make you a star.

IF NOSTRADAMUS WERE A GUIDANCE COUNSELOR

Yeah, I know that you’re a senior in high school

and that I’m your guidance counselor

and that you’re here in my office

seeking some counseling and some guidance

because you’re worried about your future

you’re terrified of your future

just like every other snot-nosed punk

who comes rolling into my office.

I know, because I sit here all goddamn day

listening to you little shits whine and moan,