When people started to complain that there wasn’t any food,

he took a few slices of cold pizza out of the fridge,

started tearing them into pieces, and somehow managed to feed

everyone there!

Then our coke-head pal Lazarus ODs on a speedball in the bathroom

and before anybody can so much as call 9-1-1, Jesus yells

Lazurus, come out!

The guy jumps up without so much as a hangover.

It was like something out of a George Romero movie.

Well, after that, people started to talk.

People start to follow him to class.

He started to give speeches.

He was hip. He was happening. He was popular.

He was “Big Messiah On Campus.”

There was talk of a Nike contract.

But that all came to a tragic end on Easter weekend.

When I came back from home I was told the tragic news:

He had been killed in a bizarre fraternity hazing ritual involving

two other pledges, some Romans,

and several expulsions.

Well, naturally, I was upset.

Until they told me that if your roommate dies,

you get straight As across the board in all your classes.

Some people say Christ died for my sins.

All I know is—I got an A in Astronomy.

Of course, after I had told all of my professors to kiss my ass,

Jesus shows up on the south quad three days later,

apparently having faked his own death.

No one ever saw him again after that.

His disciples came and cleared all of his stuff out of our room,

but accidentally left behind a pair

of his Mickey Mouse boxer shorts,

AKA “The Shroud of Turin,”

which I sold to the National Enquirer for a cool million.

Maybe he wasn’t such a bad roommate after all.

NERD PORN AUTEUR

I’ve noticed that there don’t seem to be any porno movies

that are made for guys like me.

All the porn I’ve come across was targeted

at beer-swilling, sports bar dwelling alpha males.

Men who like their women stupid and submissive,

men who can only get it up

for monosyllabic cock-hungry nymphos

with gargantuan breasts and a three word vocabulary.

Adult films are populated with these

collagen-injected, liposuctioned women,

many of whom have resorted to surgery and self-mutilation

in an attempt to look the way they have been told to look.

These aren’t real women.

They’re objects.

And these movies aren’t erotic.

They’re pathetic.

These vacuum-headed fuck-bunnies don’t turn me on.

They disgust me.

And it’s not that I’m against pornography.

I mean, I’m a guy.

And guys need porn. Fact.

Like a preacher needs pain,

like a needle needs a vein,

guys need porn.

But I don’t want to watch this misogynist

He-man woman-hater porn!

I want porno movies

that are made with guys like me in mind!

Guys who know that the sexiest thing in the world is

a woman who is smarter than you are.