‘But it was never at his place. We never once went back to his place. There was one time we stayed at a hotel, but again that was because of work, he said, because he had to stay overnight in the city, so he … we …’

‘Holly. Stop. Just stop.’

She was crying again. She shook her head. ‘I should have known. Shouldn’t I. Should I have known? Did I know? I just … I can’t …’

‘Shh. It’s all right, Sprig. It’s all going to be all right.’

She shook her head again, more forcefully this time. ‘You don’t know that. I don’t know that! All I know is, I want to keep it, I will keep it, but I can’t help thinking about work, about how I’m supposed to manage with work, and about … about childcare, and … and all the … all the things you have to think about. I mean, it’s not a … not just a … It’s a baby, for Christ’s sake. A child. And I … I just …’

Unaccountably, Holly laughed. But it was a desperate, hollow laugh, that afterwards only made her cry harder.

‘And it’s my last chance, Rob,’ she said, between sobs. ‘I’m forty-one. Meaning I can’t help thinking this is my very last chance.’

Fleet gathered her to him. He let her cry. He wanted to say something, but he didn’t know what, so instead he just continued to hold her. After a while her crying eased, and her breath deepened, and Fleet realised she’d fallen asleep in his arms. Just as she used to do every night when they were in bed together. It was enough to make Fleet feel drowsy, too, in spite of what he’d said to Holly about not planning on sleeping, and when he closed his eyes he found himself struggling to open them again. It was morning when he finally did, and Holly was gone, leaving Fleet wondering if he’d dreamt the whole thing.

Ben – April 1997

(Four weeks before his death)

Ben sat awkwardly at the end of Melissa’s bed.

It was his first time in a dorm that wasn’t his own, let alone the girls’ wing, let alone Melissa’s room. He knew the others came here sometimes, but so far they’d never asked him to go with them. But this time they had asked him, and Ben knew he should have been pleased. Ecstatic, even. This is what he’d wanted after all: the four of them hanging out together. Instead, he found himself wishing he was somewhere else. Anywhere else. Doing anything other than what they were planning.

Ben was the only one sitting. The others were making preparations: discussing props, backgrounds, lighting. Melissa clutched her camera the whole time, and Ben’s eyes kept drifting towards it as though it were a loaded gun. And she hadn’t even taken off the lens cap yet.