“Something terribly you? What does that mean?”

He had a very solid feeling that he wasn’t going to like the answer. Whatever answer it was Sammy came up with. He didn’t know why.

“I used you as a lifeline,” she said. “Because I felt like I was drowning. And I don’t mean to do that to you. I know you’ve got enough on your plate, and enough people to take care of. I do. But something in me has always known that you would take care of me. That you could help fix me. And I’ve always wanted it. Craved it. And I just... I think I did that here. I’m really afraid that I did. It wasn’t fair. I lied to myself about how big it would be.”

“What are you talking about?”

“I wanted to fix my life. I wanted to feel better. I wanted to feel like I could be different and prove my mother wrong. And I thought that maybe having a baby would catapult me into a new phase of life. Just like moving here did. Like becoming part of your family. And I think that...”

“You weren’t planning on having me be the father of your baby. Not initially.”

“Wasn’t I?” she asked. “Because I asked you. It just blurted out of my mouth.”

“Don’t you trust yourself, Sammy? Even a little bit?”

“Sure. I trust myself to have extreme powers of denial and...and to be...sometimes completely and utterly willful when it comes to what I want versus what other people want. And I know what it comes from. Being raised with a father who genuinely didn’t care about my well-being. Quite the opposite. I think sometimes he just wanted to hurt me. Because he attached a lot of the rage in his life to my existence. And I got tired of apologizing for existing. So I think sometimes I go too hard the other way. And I’m afraid that without meaning to I...”

“That’s an awfully big step back from you shouting at me about making light of your feelings.”

“Well, I’m afraid that I...” She pressed a palm over one eye before releasing it. “Not that it was light. And I’m not saying I don’t want it. But... I got hung up on you calling me selfish. And what I really should have looked at wasn’t the word selfish but whether or not I was doing this for a bad reason. And I think maybe I was. Am. And look, the minute I thought of you being the father of my baby you were the only one that I could possibly... And on some level I must have known that, right? That you were the only one I would’ve been happy with.”

Something in his chest froze. Because it was so very close to the right thing. But it wasn’t. Not quite. He didn’t even know what the right thing was in this case. Because he wasn’t supposed to want any of this.