“I know you feel like you already did it. And I know you think I don’t understand the responsibility. I do. Because I saw what it cost you. The way that you took care of everyone. The way you took care of me. I just... I ache, Ryder. For a connection. For that kind of deep love that people talk about. That magic that exists between a mother and a child. I don’t know what that is. Because my mother wouldn’t have laid down her life to protect me. She had ample opportunity to, and she didn’t. There was no sacrificial anything on her part. I want... I want to know what it is. I want to feel it and hold it in my arms. I want a child to grow inside my body. And I’m thirty-three. I know that’s not... I know it’s not too old, but if I don’t do it now, when am I going to do it? I keep asking myself what I’m waiting for when I know this is what I want. I guess I was waiting for signs from the universe that it was time. By which I mean a guy that I wanted to share the kid with, but I really don’t want that. I mean... I don’t ever want to get married.”

It was the truth from the deepest part of herself. He was the only one who ever got to know those things.

He was the only one who’d earned them. By being there. Protecting her. Being her constant.

“You don’t?” he asked.

They had never really talked about this. But then, they had never talked much about the kinds of changes that either of them might want. Mostly, they had just existed alongside each other. And it had been nice.

“No. I can’t imagine giving that kind of control of my life to another person. The very idea makes my skin crawl. I don’t want to share my baby with a man. But I do need a man to make one.”

“Were you thinking... You know...”

His discomfort, stoic and monotone though it was, amused her. “Turkey baster?” she asked, her lips twitching.

“Yeah,” he said, his face contorting slightly.

“Does that disgust you?”

“Now that you mention it I find the entire conversation somewhat disconcerting.”

“Oh, grow up,” she said. “It’s all basic biological functions.”

“Look, you seem to think that your biggest issue is figuring out health insurance. But it sounds to me like you’re going to have to find...a bank of some kind, or...”

“A sperm bank?” she asked, grinning when he blanched.

“Yeah,” he said. “That.”

“I’m sure they have one down in Tolowa.” She frowned. “That wasn’t really what I was thinking, though. I kind of want... I know this might sound weird to you, but I would just kind of like it to be...done the old-fashioned way.”

He went stiff like a salt pillar beside her. “I’m sorry. Why?”

“It seems... I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of going and doing it in a doctor’s office.”