NOTE: Names of the interviewers have been redacted for anonymity.

Interviewer 1: We at Godly Gossip would like to thank you for sitting down with us today—

Seokga: Fuck off. You and I both know why we’re here. Go on, ask. Before I lose my patience.

Interviewer 1: Fine. Do you wear a toupee?

Seokga: Do I wear—no. I don’t wear a toupee.

Interviewer 2: Fascinating. Here’s a good one. Seokga, you have a long history of being an asshole.

Seokga: Thank you.

Interviewer 2: Our readers would like to know to what extent you would say that “pretty privilege” has saved you from being fed to an eoduksini by the pantheon?

Seokga (smirking): A vast extent. But what the pantheon understands—even if they deny it or forget it half the time—is that all things require balance. My nature brings that balance.

Interviewer 2 (sarcastic): Is that why you break into security rooms and destroy them? For “balance”?

Seokga: I’m going to treat that question as rhetorical.

Interviewer 1: It was. The next one is: Is it true that you got plastic surgery to enhance the size of your pecs? Our readers have noted that they seem unusually large and, in their words, “hard. Very, very, hard.”

Seokga (spluttering): No! Honestly. How inane. These questions do little to endear your readership to me. A bunch of bumbling bimbos—

Interviewer 1: Did you really date an elderly dog-walker?

Seokga: I have been trying to tell you people for years that I haven’t—

Interviewer 1: In that same vein, what’s the most inconvenient place you’ve been turned on?

Seokga: Fucking hells. In a bamboo forest near a horde of hungry ghosts, I suppose.

Interviewer 1: Would you like to elaborate on that?

Seokga: No.

Interviewer 2: Have you ever…you know…in animal form?

Seokga (aghast): You’re sickening. No.

Interviewer 1: Do you have any dirty kinks you’ve been keeping secret?

Seokga (pained): I…used to…like to have a…mirror nearby.

Interviewer 2: For yourself?

Seokga (glaring): Maybe.

Interviewer 1: Is it true that in 2000 you attended a TLC concert and cried during “Waterfalls”? The photos were so grainy that nobody could tell if it was you or an overemotional mortal man.

Seokga: …

Seokga: Yes. That was, unfortunately, me.

Interviewer 2: Do you still have vivid fantasies of power? If so, do you have any plans for world domination anytime soon?

Seokga: Interesting that you ask…

Want more sizzling questions answered? Sexy Seokga’s SORDID tell-all is continued on pages thirteen to twenty-four!

Acknowledgments