He looks like Niko Bellic's mad uncle, the bad one with the child abuse convictions and the questionable personal hygiene, not to mention a bright red-glowing zit in the middle of his forehead. And I am utterly fucked, because I don't understand a word he's saying: but I'll swear I saw him or his twin brother at the bus stop yesterday—

He's pulling back the gun. I can see its barrel looking huge and dark, and if I knew where my hands were there's this neat trick you can do when some idiot points an automatic at you at short range, you grab the slide by laying your hand on top of the barrel and pushing back to stop the breech closing, which is a great secret agent stunt if you're not lying on the floor of your own front hall with one arm trapped under you and blood trickling down your face.

"Do you speak English?" I ask.

Uncle Fester looks annoyed. "Waar is ze?"

I look him in the eyes and feel my guts freeze. I've been here before, staring at the luminous green worms swirling behind the glazed surface of his eyes, writhing in the muddy waters of a mind that's been sucked into a place where human consciousness melts like grease on a hot frying pan—

There is a noise behind me like a cat the size of a bus yowling rage and defiance at a rival who has dared to enter his territory.

Uncle Fester (or whatever it is that wears the mortal skin of a dead man walking) raises his gun to bear on the staircase. My left arm twists almost without me willing it and I push at his right leg just above the ankle, shoving as hard as I can at his trousers don't think about what happens if you touch his flesh because that would be as bad as not forcing him off balance while he's aiming at Mo—

And he topples across me.

These things are never terribly good at coordinating a tensegrity structure like a mammalian musculoskeletal system: even when they're in the driving seat they're trying to work a manual transmission with automatic-only training. His gun bangs, a curiously muffled thudding sound as the feedback howl from the top of the staircase rises to a pitch that makes my teeth ache and overflows into an ear-numbingly harsh chord, music to snap necks to.

Uncle Fester goes abruptly limp as he falls on my legs. There's a horrid sigh and a smell I don't want to think about as unlife and animation departs.

"Bob?" Her voice is small and terrified.

"I'm okay!" I call. "Are you?"