My sister, who was seated to my left, grabbed hers and clicked on a notification only to pull up a video that appeared to be taken outside of this very house. I leaned in as she hit play and turned the volume up.

“I wanted to get ahead of the narrative for once,” Tucker was saying, in what looked like a self-made video. “See, because of who I am, there are always people out there willing to throw themselves into the fray and take advantage. That happened to me earlier today. Normally, I would blow it off and not even bother giving it a moment of my time, because it’s not deserving of such. This time, I have someone else to think about though. My new wife was standing there, to witness what happened, and I don’t want anyone to think poorly of her. I honestly don’t care how you portray me, so long as it doesn’t come back to hurt Mina.

“I went, with my best friend, who happens to also be my lawyer, to try to close a real estate deal on a house that I planned to move my wife into. While she picked it, I wanted to surprise her and try to get the deal done quicker. We met the real estate agent, Cynthia Blackwell, at the estate where she overheard my friend, Wes, joke about what would happen to the house if my wife realized I was a royal prick and divorced me. First of all, let’s be clear, my wife is a smart lady and already knows I’m a royal prick, so that will never happen.

“Cynthia, saw an opportunity where there was only a joke. Somehow, her car suddenly wouldn’t start, so she rode back to the apartment with us, and sat in the back with me so that she could explain some of the finer details that might hold up the sale, as well as what we could do to get around them. The minute we pulled up to the apartment, and Cynthia saw my wife waiting there, she threw herself at me physically. Even getting myself fully out of the car wasn’t enough, because she followed me out and tried to latch onto my body like some weird spider monkey.” He visibly shivered for the camera as he addressed the situation. “My wife saw what was happening, and as any classy woman with standards would do, she removed herself from the situation immediately, because it was beneath her.

“Why am I telling everyone about this, instead of just handling it quietly with my wife? Well, it’s because a life like mine doesn’t afford a person a whole lot of privacy. We saw someone either taking still shots or video as everything happened. I’m sure they didn’t catch the audio track, with me telling Cynthia that I would call the police and have her arrested for assault if she didn’t get off me, because that doesn’t make a juicy enough story for the people who attempt to sell these things. They like to push their own fictional narrative far too often, and unfortunately for me, past behaviors make it seem highly likely that I was just being a horrible husband, when in reality I just wanted to buy my wife’s dream home so we could move in and get our lives started in the place where we planned to grow our family.”