Seeing his son cradle the doll, Eddie bent down and snatched it away from him. ‘The Tonka truck’s yours. Boys don’t play with dolls, Joey.’

Lip trembling, Joey looked at his father. ‘Sorry, Daddy.’

Eddie put on some music and the rest of the evening swam by.

‘Do you want my body, am I really sexy?’ Joyce sang, getting all Rod Stewart’s lyrics wrong.

Aware that she was pointing at him, Stanley turned his back. ‘Don’t start all that, Joycie, will yer?’

Not used to drinking large amounts of alcohol, Joyce felt her legs go from under her. ‘Oh dear, I think I’m drunk,’ she said, as she clung on to the sofa for dear life.

‘Are you OK, Mum?’ Jessica said, helping her up.

‘Yes, dear. Actually, I feel wonderful.’

Embarrassed, as he’d never witnessed either of his parents so pissed before, Raymond jumped into action. ‘I think we should all call it a night now and get some shut-eye. Give me a hand, Dad, to help Mum up the stairs.’

Used to being told what to do, Stanley jumped to order. ‘Goodnight all,’ he yawned.

Eddie winked at Raymond. ‘I hope the sofa’s comfortable enough for ya. I’ll put the kids to bed and we’ll speak again in the morning,’ he said.

The twins were crashed out on the floor, so Jessica lifted up Joey and Eddie grabbed Frankie. ‘Where’s Gary and Ricky?’ she asked.

Eddie laughed. ‘I told ’em they could have one can of lager and I’m sure the little bastards had about three. I had to help them into bed about an hour ago. I put ’em in Joey’s room.’

Jessica giggled. It had been their first proper get-together in their new home and she had loved every single minute of it.

Whether it was due to the amount of sherry she’d drunk, Joyce wasn’t sure, but for the first time in years, she felt amorous. ‘Stanley, wake up,’ she said, poking her husband in the ribs.

Receiving no response, she moved her hand around a bit. ‘Stanley,’ she said seductively.

Aware of a hand around his cobblers, Stanley jumped up like a bush kangaroo. ‘What the fuck! What are you doing, woman? Have you gone mad?’

Jessica just happened to be passing the guest room as her father bolted out in his Y-fronts.

‘Whatever’s the matter?’ she asked, noticing his shocked expression.

Stanley held his hand over his parcel. ‘It’s your mother – she’s having a funny turn.’

‘What, is she ill?’ Jessica said, panicking.

‘No, not that kind of funny turn,’ Stanley said, embarrassed.

Realising what had happened, Eddie grabbed Jessica and dragged her into their bedroom. Hysterical, he could barely speak for laughing.

‘Your mother’s after a bunk-up.’

‘Oh, don’t say that,’ Jessica said, mortified.

Hearing raised voices, Jessica poked her head around the bedroom door.