‘Cooking a posh dinner tonight, my Jess is. All the family will be there. Me and Stan could have done without it, but Eddie adores us, insists that we come,’ Joyce lied.

Bored as arseholes, Hilda furtively nudged her friend. Rita quickly clocked on and cleverly changed the subject.

‘Where is your Stan? We haven’t seen him for ages. My Arthur said he rarely goes down the bookie’s any more.’

Joyce sighed. ‘Out the back with them bleedin’ pigeons of his. Thinks more of them birds than he does of me. Keeps talking about getting himself a new cock.’

Hilda and Rita roared with laughter. Eddie had bought Stanley his first racing pigeon a couple of years back and he’d been hooked from day one. Joyce had hated his new hobby from the word go, but had put up with it because it was Eddie’s idea.

‘Dirty bastard things they are. Full of shit me garden is and I’m sure it’s them that’s killed me roses,’ Joyce moaned.

Rita smiled politely. ‘Well, I suppose it gives Stanley an interest. The only interest my Arthur’s got is the pub and the horses,’ she moaned.

‘Maybe you’re right. My Stanley don’t even bother going to the pub that much any more,’ Joyce said proudly, knowing full well that Rita’s Arthur was a borderline alcoholic.

Glancing at the clock, Joyce realised the time was getting on. ‘Please don’t think I’m being rude, but I’m gonna have to start sprucing meself up in a minute. Jess’s mansion is in the country and it takes us about half-hour to get there. She’s expecting us at seven, so I’d best get me skates on.’

Rita and Hilda immediately stood up. Talk about outstaying your welcome, they both thought.

‘Thanks for the tea and cake. See you soon, Joycie,’ Hilda said.

Joyce did her queen wave at the door. ‘Don’t forget, anything you want to watch, come and see me and I’ll record it for you.’

Slamming the front door, Joyce marched into the back garden. ‘Stanley, stop cuddling your cock and get yourself bathed and changed.’

‘Just give me ten minutes, dear, and I’ll be with you,’ Stanley said.

‘No, Stanley. Put your cock away now, pronto.’

EIGHT

‘So when is that cheeky old cunt gonna pay up then?’ Ronny asked Eddie.

Eddie pulled into the pub car park. ‘Next week. I’ll go round and collect it myself,’ he lied.

‘Ain’t you coming in for a quickie?’ Paulie asked him.

Eddie shook his head. ‘Got the in-laws coming round for dinner. I promised Jess I’d be home early.’