Jessica had a quick shower, then woke the twins up. ‘Come on, birthday boy and girl. I haven’t allowed you to have a day off school so you can lie in bed all day.’

‘Oh, leave off, Mum, I’m tired,’ Frankie moaned.

Joey jumped out of bed. Filled with excitement, he ran into his sister’s room and leaped on top of her. ‘Come on, Frankie, let’s go and open our presents,’ he pleaded.

‘Drop dead, Joey,’ Frankie mumbled.

Knowing how his sister hated being tickled, Joey did just that. ‘Come on, sweet sixteen and never been kissed. Get your miserable arse out of bed, you boring cow.’

Fully awake by now, a defeated Frankie got up.

Tutting, Jessica went downstairs to cook the twins a nice birthday fry-up. The way they spoke to one another was beyond belief at times, but she knew they didn’t really mean what they said. They had inherited their father’s warped sense of humour, unfortunately.

Frankie plonked herself down at the kitchen table. ‘Where’s Dad?’

‘Gone to pick up your birthday surprise and don’t ask me what it is, because I haven’t a clue,’ Jessica told her.

‘Can’t we open our presents before breakfast?’ Joey pleaded with his mum.

‘No, Joey, wait till your dad gets back. He’ll be upset if you open them and he’s not here. Now, do you both want a sausage as well as some bacon?’

Frankie threw her brother a sardonic look. ‘Let Joey have mine, Mum, he likes a nice juicy sausage.’

Joey aimed a sly kick Frankie’s way. ‘Bitch,’ he whispered.

Eddie smiled as the two new additions to the family sat quivering on Raymond’s lap.

‘Fucking hell, Ed, slow down, will you? One’s just pissed all over me.’

Eddie dropped his speed. Raymondo had a nice wet patch on the leg of his trousers.

‘What time is Polly coming? Is she staying with you tonight or arriving tomorrow?’ Eddie said, struggling to contain his laughter.

‘I’m picking her up early tomorrow morning. She’s working today,’ Raymond replied, annoyed that his £100 trousers were covered in slash. He was dreading tomorrow. Eddie and Jessica had already met Polly, but his mother and father hadn’t.

‘Be warned, my mother’s absolute brain damage. If she starts asking you loads of questions, don’t feel you have to answer them. Me dad’s OK, but him and me mother don’t stop arguing,’ he had warned Polly on the phone the previous night.

Eddie read Raymond’s thoughts and smiled. ‘I bet Joycie will have a field day. She’s been dying to interrogate Polly ever since you first mentioned her.’

‘I don’t need reminding, Ed. Ouch! That little fucker just bit me,’ Raymond exclaimed.

Chuckling, Eddie put his foot down and sped towards home.

‘Dad’s been gone ages. Can’t we just open a few presents, Mum?’ Joey begged.