Kaine’s fall, I discovered, had been rapid and humiliating. Once he was without Goliath’s backing and minus his Ovinator, parliament suddenly started wondering why they had been following him so blindly, and those who had supported him turned against him with the same enthusiasm. In less than a week he realized just what it was to be human. All the vanity and plotting and conniving that worked so well for him when fictional didn’t seem to have the same power at all when spoken with a real tongue, and he was removed from office within three days of the SuperHoop. Ernst Stricknene, questioned at length over calls made to Cindy Stoker from his office, decided to save as much of his skin as he could and talked at great length about his former boss. Kaine now had to face the biggest array of indictments ever heaped upon a public figure in the history of England. So many, in fact, that it was easier to list the offenses he wasn’t indicted for—which were: “working as an unlicensed nanny” and “using a car horn in a built-up area during the hours of darkness.” If found guilty on all charges, he was facing more than nine hundred years in prison.

“I almost feel sorry for him,” said Joffy, who was a lot more forgiving than I. “Poor Yorrick.”

“Yes,” replied Hamlet sarcastically, “alas.”

43.

Recovery

Toast Party Unveils Manifesto

Mr. Redmond van de Poste, whose ruling Toast (formerly Commonsense) Party took control of the nation last week, announced the party’s manifesto to raise the country from economic and social collapse. Mr. van de Poste began by announcing mandatory toast-eating requirements for all citizens on a sliding scale based on age, then proposed a drive to place a new toaster in every home within a year. “In the long term,” continued Mr. van de Poste, “we will instigate a five-year plan to upgrade all our manufacturing facilities to build a new brand of supertoaster that will sweep aside all competition and make England the toast capital of the world.” Critics of the Toast manifesto indicated alarm at Poste’s strident calls for a North Atlantic Toast Alliance, and pointed out that by excluding non-toast-eating nations it would create unnecessary international tension. Mr. van de Poste has not yet responded, and has called for a reform of parliament.

Article in The Toad, August 4, 1988