My heart thunders in my chest, and no amount of training for war has readied me for what I am about to do. I was up before dawn, restless with the rumor Exin casually mentioned last night as we were eating dinner. Around us, members of our own cohort and the younger warriors-elect mingled with excitement and anticipation in their eyes, eager for the reprieve that High Summer would bring us.

“So. I heard Rowan’s been visiting Ox’s room at night,” Exin had said, the edge in his voice clearly seeking more gossip. My friend’s implication was in no way subtle, and I nearly choked on a mouthful of fish.

“Wh-what?”

“Just what I heard.” Exin resumed poking around his plate. “I thought you might know something, though. Crazy to me that you two never got together.”

I shook my head and tried to push past it, unable to think of anything to say. There was no way he’d meant anything by it, but Exin’s words stung worse than a burn, and my heart pounded as if I were in the middle of an intense sparring match. Questions spun in my head like buzzards—when was the last time Rowan and I had hung out in the evening, outside of practicing for the Four Gates race? Was there any truth to this?

After dinner, I went to her room. When no one answered the door, I flew up to my own room and slammed the door behind me.

I should have told her how I felt months ago.

I slept restlessly and woke up with my heart low in my chest. Still, when the sun rose, I’d gotten myself together enough to get out of my room and ready for the race. I’d trained for weeks, after all. Rowan helped me memorize the course. She knew that winning the Four Gates race was a surefire way to grab the city’s attention—and that of the sentinels. It is the ultimate goal of a lot of warriors to become a sentinel someday, and I was no different. What’s more, the honor would surely be enough to bring back some semblance of my father’s former, proud self.

He wouldn’t be there to watch the race. These days, he and my mother rarely left our family quarters in the lower levels of the palace. I don’t remember the last time I visited, and they’ve never once come to see my room at the Warriors’ Hall.

The image of my father’s hollow gaze and the desperate hope that Exin was wrong weighed on my wings like anchors as I did a few laps around the Hall to warm up. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t shake how I felt. A stronger warrior may have been able to overcome his emotions, but I couldn’t. I didn’t want to.