‘And secondly, I didn’t murder him. I threw him out, that’s all. He’s with my ghost. He’s having sex with my ghost. And I loved him.’

She started to weep, and the police officers looked at each other in confusion, uncertain what she meant by this.

‘The tortoise is having sex with a ghost?’ asked the policeman.

‘No, of course not. That’s idiotic. I didn’t say that. Pylyp is.’

‘Pylyp Tataryn,’ said Audrey. ‘The rightful owner of the animal?’

‘If any of us can really own animals,’ replied Beverley, looking up at the ceiling. ‘It’s a question for the great philosophers, don’t you think?’

‘The point is, madam,’ said the policeman. ‘We’ve had a report from the RSPCA that you killed a tortoise by throwing him across the road.’

‘No, I didn’t do that,’ she said, drying her eyes. ‘He ate too many After Eights, you see, and I was keeping his corpse in the kitchen until I figured out what to do with him. Yes, I threw him across the street, but I assure you he was already dead by then. He wouldn’t have felt a thing.’

‘We’ve seen a video, madam,’ he continued. ‘I’m afraid we’ll have to take you in for questioning.’

She burst out laughing. ‘You can’t be serious,’ she said.

‘I’m afraid I am. We don’t take these matters lightly. Perhaps you’d like to get your things?’

‘You’re arresting me?’

‘Not yet. But we would like you to accompany us to the station, yes.’

She laughed again, hoping that they’d simply leave her alone, but when it became obvious that they weren’t going anywhere, she retrieved her coat and keys and phone before following them to the police car, feeling a mixture of horror and excitement when the man put his hand on her head as she climbed inside, just like they did on the television.

Sitting in the back seat, however, as they drove to the station, she began to feel a certain fear building inside her. Her readers were probably animal lovers and the newspapers would surely get a hold of this story. One of the RSPCA cyclists would pass it on. There’d be a scandal. Another scandal.

She felt a sharp pain in her stomach. I’ll be cancelled, she thought.

LINE OF DUTY

When they arrived at the restaurant, Susan was already seated at a table by the window, and she greeted her brother affectionately before turning her attention to Nelson, looking him up and down as if he was a piece of furniture she was considering buying. He tried to smile but felt his expression made him look rather creepy so executed a half-bow instead, like a knight before an evil queen. Introductions made, they sat down and he tried to figure out who she reminded him of. It came to him after a moment: Wednesday Addams. Only older. And without the charm.