‘There is no child,’ said Denise, who had read the story shortly before he arrived. In fact, it was her copy of the Daily Mail that George was now holding, but she’d tossed it aside quickly when she saw him coming through from the reception area to the bar.

‘You don’t mean she got rid of it?’ he asked, looking remorseful.

‘No, it never existed in the first place. It was a phantom pregnancy.’

He stared at her as if she was mad. ‘Can that happen?’ he asked.

‘Occasionally, yes.’

‘So I didn’t get her pregnant?’

‘No.’

‘So even the headline is a lie?’

‘Well, I suppose so, yes.’

‘There’s no suppose about it! It says Cleverley got me preggers, when I did no such thing.’

Denise looked around, feeling uncomfortable. She didn’t like the scene that was being played out. This was Soho House, after all. Not the Groucho.

‘You could be accused of splitting hairs there,’ she said. ‘I mean, you were obviously having an affair with the woman.’

‘But I didn’t get her pregnant! And I guarantee that if you go on Twitter now, you’ll find a load of people all saying that I forced a woman to have an abortion.’ He downed the rest of his beer, knocked back the whisky, then ordered seconds of both, which arrived promptly, along with a suggestion by the young Adonis that Sir might want to lower his voice.

‘Sir will keep his fucking voice at the exact fucking level that Sir wants it to be,’ he shouted, dismissing the boy by shooing him away with both hands. ‘Fuckity bye now! Fuckity bye!’

‘George, you have to calm down. Everyone is—’

‘I tell you what, Denise. I’m not going to take this lying down. I’m going to stand up for myself.’

‘I honestly don’t know what you can do about it. It might just be better to enter a period of self-isolation.’

‘That’s what I am now, is it? A virus?’

‘No, of course not, but—’

‘I can sue Twitter, that’s what I can do.’

‘For what?’

‘For allowing any moron with opposable thumbs to access its service.’

‘I’m not sure the courts will entertain something so frivolous.’

‘Then I’ll sue everyone who made allegations about me online. I’ll take every one of them down.’

‘I don’t think that will work either. There’s such a thing as free speech, you know.’

‘Free speech doesn’t give you the right to lie!’

‘It does, actually.’

‘Fine, but then there are consequences to lying. I’ll make them post apologies, that’s what I’ll do. I’ll get them to admit that they made all this up because they’re so bloody deranged.’

‘These people will only harass you even further if you provoke them.’

‘People?’ he shouted, spitting the word out as he drank half his beer in one go. ‘They’re not people. They’re thugs! Miscreants! Scoundrels! Villains! Reprobates! Lowlifes!’

‘That’s just a list of synonyms, darling.’

‘Oh, fuck off, Denise.’