‘I don’t know if I should,’ said Nelson. ‘I need my brain to be in the zone. For the drug cartel. I really want to take them down, you know? They’re poisoning our kids with their filthy crack heroin.’

‘Isn’t it crack cocaine?’

‘It’s a new blend. A sort of shandy.’

‘Please. It would mean a lot to me.’ Shane put his arms around Nelson. ‘I’ve told her all about you and she’s excited to meet you. And she’ll be really impressed if you wear your uniform. In fact, I suppose you’ll have to if you’re going into work immediately afterwards.’

Nelson thought about it. The uniform did give him confidence, after all, and it meant that he’d probably be able to talk to her without completely falling apart.

‘Well, all right, then,’ he said, giving in. ‘But I won’t be able to stay long.’

‘Brilliant! She’ll be delighted.’ Shane leaned in for a kiss. ‘I feel so lucky that I met you, Nelson.’

‘And I you,’ he replied, a warm sensation filling his entire body. ‘I was honestly convinced that I was going to spend my life alone, that no one would ever be interested in me.’

‘How could you have thought such a thing?’ asked Shane. ‘You’re handsome, you’re clever, you’re funny. You have a great job and you look so sexy when you’re all dressed up for it.’

Nelson smiled. He had to admit this was true.

NEGATIVE TWITTER RATIO

@TruthIsASword’s followers count was climbing due to the endless stream of vitriol Elizabeth was pushing into the world but, to her disappointment, @ElizCleverley seemed to have plateaued and had even lost followers in the wake of George’s imbroglios. In fact, she’d received quite a few abusive messages from strangers on Twitter, condemning her for even being related to the disgraced chat-show host. She hadn’t dared to respond to any of them, fearing a greater backlash, but had to admit that she was beginning to dread tapping on the little blue app on her iPhone. It wasn’t easy being on the receiving end of such nastiness. Why did people do it, she wondered?

In an attempt to reverse the slide, however, she’d arranged a meeting with her former social media creativity director, Trevé, who she hadn’t spoken to since the disappointing leak of her sex tape. As she sat in the waiting area, staring at him through the glass walls of his office, she could see him talking to a young woman who had recently appeared on a reality-television show where all she did was sit in a laundromat, inexplicably wearing a bikini, while handsome young men came in to express how deeply in love they were with her. Elizabeth narrowed her eyes as she watched the girl, whose name was Sofiii, with three i’s, throw her head back and laugh uproariously at whatever Trevé had just said before taking her phone from her pocket and pointing it in their direction. This would be good for a few hundred Instagram likes.