‘I’ve become free,’ he said. ‘I’ve reclaimed my privacy. Social media is over anyway. It’s so last year. The fact is, when you sign up for an account and accept the terms and conditions, there should also be a warning attached: And this will make you miserable. Actually, you should tweet that, that’s some solid wisdom there.’

‘But you’ve—’

‘Seriously, have you ever heard someone say: my life is so much better now that I’m on Twitter? Invisibility is a good thing.’

‘Who has ever found invisibility to be a good thing?’

He thought about it. ‘Lord Lucan,’ he said. ‘Salman Rushdie, for many years. The Invisible Man himself was very big on it.’

‘The Invisible Man wasn’t real!’ she shouted.

‘Wasn’t he, Elizabeth? Wasn’t he? Just because people couldn’t see him doesn’t mean he should be denied an identity. I’m disappointed in you for saying that. Be better.’

‘Are you being serious with me right now? Are you actually being completely fucking serious?’

‘Yes. I’ve changed. I’ve evolved.’

‘Overnight?’

‘Overnight. I think it has something to do with all the toxins that are draining out of me. All I want now is to do good without other people needing to know about it. I want to be virtuous rather than signal my virtue. Isn’t that a good thing? Honestly, Elizabeth, you should try it.’

He reached for her iPhone again, but before he could grasp it between his oleaginous digits, she swiped it off the table and returned it to the safety of her pocket.

‘Don’t even think about it,’ she snapped.

‘Just give it some thought,’ he said. ‘You could deactivate just one platform and see how you get on.’

‘I would rather show up at an open-mic poetry night,’ she insisted, raising her voice again. ‘I would rather be stuck in a lift for three hours with Harry and Meghan while they tell me how to live my best life.’

‘Ah, Harry and Meghan,’ said Wilkes, putting his hands together, as if in prayer. ‘Their weekly press interviews complaining about press intrusion really force the media to take a long hard look at itself.’

‘I’m not deleting anything.’

Wilkes frowned. ‘I don’t feel that you’re appreciating me right now,’ he said.

‘Well, I don’t feel very appreciative.’

‘Why not?’

‘Gouge out my eyes, Wilkes. Rip off my toes. Pull the ears from my head. But don’t ever come between me and my followers.’

‘It’s that kind of talk that makes me wonder whether you might have a problem.’

‘Me? Look in the mirror, if you can stand it. If anyone has a problem, it’s you.’

He offered her his most insufferable expression. ‘If you say so. But look, it’s only been twelve hours and I already feel better. I feel cleansed.’

‘That’s because your body is literally leaking ectoplasm from every orifice. Where’s your phone anyway?’

‘I smashed it up with a hammer.’

‘What the fuck?’