‘Not for too long, no,’ said Wilkes. ‘Another few weeks and you won’t even notice it. By then, I’ll have become entirely self-cleaning. Look at the turtle, after all,’ he added, nodding towards Ustym Karmaliuk, who turned his head at the mention of him but wore a disgusted expression, as if even he found the man repulsive. ‘You don’t see him lathering up with Jo Malone Geranium and Walnut shower scrub, do you? Or washing his paws with Molton Brown Lime and Patchouli handwash?’

‘I have three comments to make and then a question to ask,’ declared Beverley, clearing her throat. ‘First, he’s a tortoise, not a turtle. Second, they are not paws, they are feet. And third, for someone who is opposed to personal cleaning products, you certainly seem to know the names of a lot of luxury brands, not to mention the various lines they produce. Finally, my question. Speaking as a mother, what about, you know, when you use the bathroom? Do you not wash your hands afterwards?’

‘I rinse them, yes,’ he admitted. ‘In cold water. But I don’t use any unnatural detergents.’

‘I shall never touch you again,’ said Beverley, shivering.

‘You’ve never touched me before.’

‘Well, I shall never touch you for the first time, then. Anyway, I don’t think I can deal with any of this right now. Can’t you both go somewhere else? Your father and I are discussing his idiocy.’

‘We have opposing points of view, I might add,’ said George.

‘Actually,’ said Elizabeth, sitting down next to her boyfriend, before reconsidering and moving to the other sofa. ‘There’s something we wanted to talk to you about.’

‘Please don’t tell me he’s proposed,’ said George.

‘No, I don’t believe in traditional marriage,’ said Wilkes. ‘It only encourages outdated notions of a woman’s place in society.’

‘Hear, hear,’ agreed Elizabeth. ‘Although I would like a nice day out at some point in the future. I’ve always imagined having my wedding reception at the Savoy. What do you think, Daddy?’

‘It depends on who’s waiting for you at the other end of the aisle, my love. And whether or not he’s run a wet flannel over his face that morning.’

‘Actually, before we get into our big news,’ said Wilkes, ‘there is something else I’d just like to clarify. Going forward, I mean.’

‘Have we become a commercial business?’ asked George. ‘Are you going to give us directives and goals, then drill down to incentivize our core competency?’

‘This is the great news I mentioned earlier,’ he said, turning to Elizabeth.

‘Oh yes, I forgot about that. Is it to do with the lepers?’

‘The leopards?’ asked Beverley, frowning. ‘What leopards? If you think you’re bringing a leopard into this house, then you have another think coming. It would eat Ustym Karmaliuk on sight, and who knows what it might do to Achilles? It would be such a shame to spoil that beautiful face. He’s the only one of my children who one might call conventionally attractive. No offence.’