She winked at him. ‘I’d bet you’d like to put me in handcuffs, wouldn’t you?’

‘Ahahaha,’ he said again.

‘Don’t blush, dear. You don’t stand a chance. Do you know, I once had sex with a royal?’

‘I didn’t know that, no,’ said Nelson. ‘But then, we’ve only just met.’

‘It was Lord Lucan,’ she said with a knowing smile.

‘Strictly speaking, Lord Lucan wasn’t a member of the royal family,’ said Nelson. ‘He was a member of the House of Lords.’

‘Oh, but it’s all the same thing, isn’t it? This was before he murdered the nanny, of course, and disappeared up the Swanee.’

‘Of course,’ said Nelson. ‘What was he like?’

‘In bed?’

‘No, just in general.’

‘He didn’t have much of a sense of humour. But they don’t tend to, do they?’

‘Lords?’

‘No, murderers.’

‘I suppose not.’

‘But he was quite the tiger in bed, since you’ve asked. He enjoyed water sports, but then so do I. You know what they say? Wild women do, and they don’t regret it. Do you like water sports?’

‘My parents took me to Euro Disney when I was a child,’ replied Nelson. ‘And I enjoyed the slide. You know, the one that goes around and around and then you land in the swimming pool with a big splash?’

The old woman stared at him and shook her head. ‘Oh my,’ she said. ‘You’re quite the innocent, aren’t you?’

‘I don’t know,’ he said with a shrug. ‘Perhaps.’

‘Did you have a Bourbon earlier?’

‘A what?’

‘A Bourbon biscuit.’

‘Oh, no,’ he said. ‘I got here at the last minute. There does seem to be a lot of attention given to the biscuits, though. You’re the second person to mention them to me.’

‘I can’t eat them,’ she replied, lowering her voice. ‘I have an intolerant bowel – it’s basically Nigel Farage in organ form – so I have to be careful what I introduce to it. My doctor tries to keep me away from sweet things for the most part, but I used to love a Bourbon back in the day. When I was being naughty.’

‘And are you still naughty?’ he asked, attempting a flirtation, but she sat back now and looked affronted.

‘Cheek,’ she said.

‘I do apologize.’

‘Don’t. I like cheek.’

‘Ahahaha,’ said Nelson, never so happy to hear a bell ring in all his life as he moved to the next chair.

‘Hello,’ said the woman sitting opposite him, who was in her late thirties and looked as if she’d just chewed a wasp. ‘Go on, then. Give it your best shot.’

‘I’m sorry?’

‘We’re about fifteen seconds in and already I can tell you’re a no-hoper. Come on, try harder. Give it some welly.’

Nelson felt like he might burst into tears. ‘It’s awkward, isn’t it?’ he asked. ‘Talking to strangers like this. The pressure is very intense.’

‘Do you want to know what I hated most about my ex-husband?’ she asked.

‘Not really, no.’