Dancing was a skill that came quite naturally to Beverley and, while she could never have been a professional, she was certainly a gifted amateur, and survived quite far in a show that, over the years, had gone from being a bit of light entertainment froth to something that captivated the British public in ways not seen since the heyday of Opportunity Knocks. Desperate C-list celebrities made it known that they wanted to take part, evicted twenty-somethings from freakishly sexual reality shows told interviewers that they longed to perform the Viennese waltz in front of millions of viewers, while the dimwit and frankly unemployable children of superstar footballers made it known that they’d be open to an offer from Auntie. It would, after all, increase their social media following by hundreds of thousands. Before the cameras, the contestants gave off an air of devil-may-care frivolity, but behind the scenes there were more knives on display than at a convention of Michelin chefs.

Pylyp glanced at his watch now, saying it was time he made his way through security, and she glanced mournfully towards the large cardboard box he had brought with him to the airport and that she had, in a moment of weakness, reluctantly agreed to take care of during his absence. He lifted the lid and reached down to kiss Ustym Karmaliuk on the head. When she saw the tears in his eyes, she had the good grace to feel a little embarrassed that she was so attached to this boy.

‘Remember,’ he said, growing serious now. ‘Only must be the plant-based foods. Leafy greens, vegetables, the things for the skinny people who hate the red meat. And crickets. Ustym Karmaliuk is the crazy tortoise for the crickets. A half-dozen every day at least.’

‘I’ll speak to my cricket man,’ replied Beverley. ‘And I’ll let Harrods know that there’s a new guest at the table. Anything else that his palate might appreciate? Smoked salmon, perhaps? Lobster thermidor? Beluga caviar?’

‘No, the freeze-dried fish food is only fish food that he likes.’

‘Well, naturally. He’s a tortoise of taste. He’s been well raised.’

‘And the worms. You must wake up early, when the grass is still wet.’

‘If you say so.’

‘You must go outside when you are still the sleepy-eyes.’

‘I will. I promise.’

‘Because the worms is everything to Ustym Karmaliuk. They are like the breast milk to the newborn baby.’

‘It’s a good job you’re so handsome,’ said Beverley, offering a deep sigh. ‘That’s all I’ll say.’

They stood up now and made their way to the security gate, where Beverley showed her Fast Track card and the security officer declined to let her lover through the VIP lane, since the name on the card was Beverley Cleverley and the name on the boarding pass was Pylyp Tataryn.

‘Oh, don’t be such a jobsworth,’ she said, employing the stare she had perfected over many years of dealing with the lower orders. ‘What difference does it make to you?’