“I want your promise that you won’t try to do too much. They pay by the piece, and we can use all the money we can get, we both know that, but I don’t want you making yourself sick about it.”

“I won’t.” She stood up. “Then it’s settled. Come on, I’ll get your breakfast.”

He grabbed her arm.

“Stick around,” he said.

“Have your breakfast first. We’ve talked too much.”

In the next week she called all the places offering work at home, even some regular employment agencies, but could turn up nothing. She did not stop looking; she kept her reactions from him and he knew she could be not less depressed, only more resigned. Without telling her, he asked at the Precinct if anyone knew of a job, but more and more he could see how he and Karen could get by on his income alone, so that when she mentioned taking a twelve-dollar course at Jefferson in the evenings, he urged her to go ahead. The baby was due in early May and she could not possibly finish the course, and that defeated the idea at last.

She felt she needed something good and useful to do in the months before it became impossible for her to do anything but wait, but as the months passed the problem settled itself. Her moods shifted more quickly, and he could not tell when to get close to her and when to stay clear. At times she would not let go of his hand, and at others she would not even want to talk. Physically, everything was supposed to be perfect, but she looked and acted more tired, and found herself more disabled. She had to keep her legs up and her back had to be rubbed. She watched the veins in her legs, but none of them popped. Of course he had to tie her shoes, and later, fasten her brassiere. He liked the shape of her even in the last month and he told her so, but she could not believe him. He would come up from behind and put his arms around her, and no matter how receptive she was, she would challenge the pleasure he got from it. On the other hand, she was not afraid of letting him see her undressed, and while he was terrified, a little, for her sake, he was still very pleased for his own. He did not challenge the pleasure she got from finding that she still excited him, but her pleasure was changed: harder, less consequential, not truly satisfying to him. He knew these things and could not deal with them.