He cleared the self-contempt from his throat and continued. “As I said, it was homecoming night. So of course there were parties going on everywhere after the game. A bunch of us from the team had already decided which party we would go to first, but instead of going, I decided to just drive around.

“When I didn’t show up for the party, Silas started texting. For over an hour he kept calling and texting and calling and texting, and I just ignored it.” His voice broke again. “He left one final voicemail, saying that he was worried and that he was going to come look for me.” Jamar blew out a breath. “I ignored that one too.”

He let the leaf fall from his fingers, studying it as it flittered to the wooden trail and landed softly on the bed of crushed leaves already there.

“The next call I got was from his sister, Andrea, asking me to come to the hospital because Silas had been in an accident. He died a few days later.”

“Oh, Jamar,” she whispered, reaching for him.

His first instinct was to pull away, but he allowed her to take his hand. He needed the comfort, craved it. He’d been alone with these thoughts for too damn long.

He used his free hand to pull his phone from his pocket. He swiped his thumb across the screen and scrolled through his old voicemails.

He hit play.

His stomach lurched at the sound of Silas’s voice, the layer of panicked concern blanketing the words as he pleaded with Jamar to pick up the phone. A heavy silence hung in the air after the ten-second recording ended.

“I play this whenever I find myself starting to enjoy life too much,” he admitted.

“Goodness, Jamar. Why would you do that to yourself?”

“Why shouldn’t I? Why should I get to enjoy any of this after what I did to him? The other driver was found to be at fault, but Silas never should have been on the road. He should have been at the party. If I’d only answered one text, even if it was just to tell him I wasn’t coming, he would still be here.

“And you know what’s really fucked up? Everyone felt so bad for me. The entire town knew how close me and Silas were, so they treated me like I’d lost a brother, not knowing that I’m the reason my brother is no longer here.”

“Jamar—”

“He would still be here, Taylor. He would be playing in the NFL—he was one of the top prospects in the nation.” Jamar closed his eyes, but he couldn’t hold in the hot tears that began to stream down his face. “He had no idea that we were in this one-sided competition, that I used him as this twisted kind of motivation. He deserved so much better than me.”