When it counted, I made a split-second deal with whatever force propels us all into and out of existence, and that deal was: Let me live.

But why?

I don’t know.

I’ll figure it out later.

But let me live, and I promise I won’t stop looking until I find something to live for.

CHAPTER

32

NOW I FELT it again, like a warm glimmer of flame inside my cold, numb, painful body.

Let me live.

But why?

Because.

Why, Margot, why? There must be a reason. You’ve had time. If you haven’t found something by now, why bother fighting? Why bother with the pain and loneliness? Why not just give up?

Because . . .

Because I have a friend who needs my help.

And the forces of the universe shrugged their shoulders and said, Hey, why not?

The smallest bit of strength came back to my legs, and I kicked and kicked until I reached the surface and took a breath.

That bought me enough time to reorient myself, to start half swimming, half flailing toward the edge of the pond. I knew Laura was out there, but I didn’t worry about it. Worrying about Laura wasn’t part of the deal.

Just stay alive.

Agatha needs my help.

My lungs were on fire. I felt as if I were carrying a hundred-pound weight. But I fought and fought and didn’t stop. Ten feet out, I began to slide back out of consciousness, but I felt something—as plain as day, I felt something shove me toward the surface.

I was so shocked that I woke up, and then seconds later, I felt something I’d felt before—a loose layer of mud under my hand. Mud under the toe of my bare foot, squelchy and horrible but also wonderful, because it meant I was alive to feel it.

I did it. I lived again.

Then a pair of mushroom-brown slacks and feet in preppy rain boots were in front of me.

One of the boots stepped down on the fingers of my left hand.

“You’ve got grit, I’ll give you that,” Laura said grudgingly. “But it’s not enough. I want you to close your eyes and sleep, Margot. Just let go. You’ve worked so hard.”

And then I felt a hand on the back of my head, pressing my face into the mud, where the water was about two inches deep.

I tried to struggle, tried to turn my head, but it was as if none of my muscles were hooked up to my brain.

Cold, dirty water seeped into my nose, filled my mouth. My ears were still above the water, so I could hear Laura’s breath, fast and heavy. And her voice, smug. Assured of victory.

“You’re no stronger than the cat was,” Laura said lightly.

Ah, but this wasn’t fair.

Mom, I can’t breathe.

Margot, someone whispered.

So close. Closer than Laura.