How I was unable to love you back

So many times I lied

Yet you kept me on track

How many times you cried

For that I apologize

I saw through the obstacle

Of concrete and steel confusion

Your love for me

Was no optical illusion

Like an angel

You have stepped in

From an unguarded angle

In my heart

Your love crept in

Red Dog harmonized with Aaron’s melody as they sang his words.

I thought then about the love between Aaron and Tara, the shared dream and passions, the obvious closeness of Sissy and her friends. The barbecue had accomplished what Sissy wished: I was less anxious about Tara and Aaron’s love. I saw that he wanted to be with her and be good to her. But there’s a long way from wish to a reality that lasts years. Especially starting out so young and from such different backgrounds. Well, maybe not so different. Sissy and I are both single mothers with children from different men. Neither Sissy nor I trust that we won’t be left for one reason or another. How will that play out between these two? Maybe they’ll cling to each other extra hard. Maybe they’ll let each other go more easily.

As I gathered my purse and bag of now-empty pie pans, I thought about the easy love that flowed between them all. Jim was with his children at his mother’s house that night. I wondered if we could make a life filled with as much love and acceptance. Being lonely in a marriage is worse than being alone.

A verse floated through the night.

Believe in me

And this I guarantee

You can be certain of one thang

I’m gonna love you past

Your hurt

Your pain.

Even then, even four months ago, I remember thinking if only someone could do that. I haven’t let anyone even try since Stephen. Maybe Jim could love me past my pain. Maybe I took the first step tonight by telling him I love him. Just maybe.

Now here we are and fall has become winter. Sissy has brought her bags of cookies.

“Time for the cookie virgin to lose her virginity,” Rosie joked.

“Don’t worry. We’ll be gentle,” Juliet said, and Jeannie started laughing.

“Ohmigod. Give her a break,” Vera said. “I remember when I lost my cookie virginity. I worried that my cookies wouldn’t be good enough to meet all the rules and the packages wouldn’t be cute enough. That I wouldn’t be acceptable. It was like junior high all over again.”

“Like you won’t measure up. The cookie bitch will cut you out,” said Taylor.

“Now, now. I’ve never kicked anyone out. Unless they didn’t come or send cookies. I just let them know the cookies they made didn’t work.”

“Yeah, like those lemon bars that were delicious but melted into each other.”