But that sword wouldn’t be used in a friendly bout against Tythus, and the armor wouldn’t be protecting her from blows that weren’t intended to kill. Ranami was supposed to be writing a letter to Gaelung. She was supposed to be putting things in order in case the worst happened. In case she had to take over as governor. Every time she laid pen against parchment, her stomach churned.

She wasn’t sure which was worse: to be the one who left or to be the one left waiting.

Phalue paused. “Any word on Ayesh? Has she come back yet?”

Ranami shook her head. “No. The guards haven’t seen her either.”

Phalue’s shoulders slumped. “Ah. I’d hoped… since I’m leaving…”

“Perhaps she’s found out all she was asked to,” Ranami said before she could stop herself. It was an unkind thing of her to say, and she knew it. Phalue cared about Ayesh, had developed a bond with her. And Ranami had tried, but couldn’t seem to help closing off pieces of herself whenever she spoke to the girl. Each time she’d spoken to Ayesh, she’d felt like a puppet, being pulled by distant strings. She should be kinder, more understanding. They’d come from the same sort of place, after all.

But maybe that was the problem.

“She’s not the spy,” Phalue said, frustration in her voice. “She might be a bit odd, but the girl is harmless. If taking extra food makes her feel a bit more secure, then let her do it. I know you saw her wandering the halls, but would you have done any differently had you been in her place? She’s only known the streets.”

And that was what Ranami kept circling back to. If she’d been Ayesh, she would have done anything. She’d been Ayesh, and she’d done things she now felt ashamed of: stealing from those weaker than her so she could live, lying, being selfish, keeping an apprenticeship where she’d been mistreated. She hadn’t expected that bringing a street urchin into their home would bring it all back. Yet there it was – all the pain of a long childhood spent just trying to survive.

“I would have done worse than that,” Ranami said, her throat tight. “I would have cut you for a piece of bread if someone had told me I could have one off you.”

Phalue set down her sword and sheath and came to sit next to Ranami on the bench. “Ranami.” She took her hands. “That’s not your fault, you know. None of it is. If there’s anything you’ve taught me – this is the first thing. You were a child, you were hungry, you were desperate. It doesn’t make you a bad person.”