But suddenly the words poured out; once started, I couldn’t stop. ‘He had this mega-sulk, you see. I’ve never seen him like that, I was so shocked, he’s usually so, well, jolly, but I think he was a bit intimidated by my friends, he’s not really their sort, more of an action man, and I think he wanted to make something of a stir when we arrived, we flew there by helicopter, you see, to this funeral, Alex Graham’s funeral, but they’d all gone into the church by then so he couldn’t make his grand entrance.’ I paused for breath. ‘And at the wake, well, we were all talking about the past, and Greg’s name came up, maybe Calvin was jealous, and there were all these children running around and maybe he was jealous about them too, because he hasn’t got any kids, his wife couldn’t have them, in fact he hasn’t got any family at all.’

I stopped, to catch my breath.

‘Nobody told me Alex had died,’ said Pam.

‘You knew him?’

‘Bethany and I sang in the same choir.’ She sighed. ‘Never mind. Silly old me. I’d probably have felt out of my depth too, like your boyfriend. That’s why they didn’t bother to ask me.’

I gazed at Pam, Pritt-Stick Pam, sitting there in her flowery blouse. My heart sank. Why had I so impulsively taken her into my confidence? I’d never get rid of her now.

Oh, for Azra to be there instead, eyebrows raised, smoke leaking out of her nostrils, talking contemptuously about men, and the impossibility of finding one. Or else they’ve got a Japanese wife, slinky as a seal, hand sliding into his at a party. Maybe popping a canape into his mouth. A Japanese wife, for God’s sake! Might as well give up. Silky pubic hair, not like our old Brillo pads, probably got a high-powered job in the City but she’s still a geisha at heart. Forget it, sweetheart. The old Azra, my beloved keeper of secrets, who knew me better than I knew myself. Who made me laugh, and made me feel companioned in the world.

Seven

Seven

A week passed and I heard nothing from Calvin. When my mobile pinged it was British Gas telling me my payment was due. I relapsed into my old slovenly ways. It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. What rubbish. Better never to have met Calvin in the first place. I actually felt envious of my previous state of loneliness and despair. At least I could rely on being permanently depressed. Calvin, however, had given me an intoxicating vision of hope for the future. How foolish I’d been, to think I could replace his beautiful wife!