‘And if you need any more clothes—just look in here! For my sins, I never throw anything away and these date from when I was a size eight, some of them as good as new. You’d look lovely in this dress, it’s just your colour, you’ve always had such marvellous taste and it’s got an elasticated waist because we’ve all put on a little bit around the tummy, let’s be honest, even someone like you, who’s always had a lovely figure! So do rummage around and help yourself. Consider this your home now.

‘Oh, I know I’m a silly sausage to bang on about it but, seriously, I’m so thrilled you’re here. It’s been no fun on my own. I mean, I’m used to it normally but this is different, isn’t it? The new normal. And don’t worry, your secret’s safe with me—’ Pam stopped. ‘Whoops, sorry. Don’t look at me like that. I won’t say a dicky-bird. I know you’ve broken the rules coming here, but it’s not as if you’ve murdered anybody, and from now on you can lie low, I can do the shopping and nobody will know you’re in residence. It can be our little secret. We’re a bubble now! I mean, it’s not like number twelve: they’ve had people going in and out of their house. Of course, in their culture it’s different but that’s no excuse. And it’s not just them. Look, here’s my little book—it’s got all the violations so far. The Wilmots had eight people there last night, eight, and he’s a deputy headmaster. What sort of example is that? I’ll report them, of course, but just now I’m biding my time and noting down the evidence.

‘Come downstairs and we’ll have a nice cup of tea. I’ll keep the curtains closed; no one will see you. Besides, it’s not as if anyone knows you’re here—all your friends, all those leftie types, they never knew we were friends, did they? To be perfectly honest I used to find it just a little bit hurtful—even that woman who was always in and out of your house, the one with the funny clothes, I once waved to her and she looked straight through me but never mind, I’ve got you to myself now.’

Pam chuckled.

‘We’re like my cacti—see, over there? Prickly on the outside, so nobody comes near. And on the inside—well, we’ve got everything we need, haven’t we, petal? It’s all stored up inside us. We can live off it for months without even watering.’ She raised an imaginary glass. ‘So here’s to succulents!’