As if I could ever truly doubt how he felt about me. As if I could ever think anything but the truth ever again.

Dom, I said. It’s not going to be like that.

It will.

No. Not this time.

How is this any different?

Because I know now.

What?

That this is my home.

It’s always been your home.

Maybe, I said. But you are too.

The anger left him as quickly as it had come. What was left was a defeated resolve.

I can’t do this again, he said finally, and my heart stopped in my chest.

What?

Lose you. Not again. Not ever. It would kill me. His voice broke and I had to stop myself from collapsing. It almost did. I can’t let that happen again. I want you to go. Because it’s for you. It’s the right thing to do. It’s the only thing to do. And it’s not fair, I know, but I’m standing in front of you now, telling you that I want you to stay. Because that’s for me. I can’t lose you, Ty. I can’t.

I stood on my tiptoes and kissed him briefly. You won’t lose me, I told him. Because I’m not lost. Not anymore.

Then why?

So I can stand by your side.

Ty—

Hush. There’s still time.

And there was, though it went by faster than either of us wanted it to.

I’d wake up and he’d be sleeping at my side.

I’d be reading Brave New World and feel his fingers in my hair.

He laughed, that broken, rusty sound.

His hand in mine, fingers intertwined.

Looming above me as I called out his name, my head rocking back, his lips against my neck.

Holding me when the earth shook beneath me when I woke from a dream where Julie had taken Mrs. Paquinn away from me. I tried to tell him it was real, it was all so real, and the kite flew so high, but I couldn’t get it out past the air lodged in my throat and lungs. He rubbed my back as he whispered in my ear. He said, I’m here, I promise it’ll be okay, and Breathe, Ty. Just breathe. You can do this because it’s who you are. You’re bigger than this. You’re stronger than this.

And I was. For a while. For him.

Dartmouth agreed to take me back. On probation, of course. You’ll have to be exemplary, the guidance counselor warned. One misstep and you’re gone.

There wouldn’t be. Not this time.

The date grew closer.

I’ll come and see you, he argued.

I shook my head. No. I need to do this. Can’t you understand?

He could. I know he could. But he said, No. No, Tyson. I can’t. You’re being ridiculous. I know you think you need to go away, and that’s fine. But to cut everyone off?

I’m not, I told him. We can talk as much as you want. I’m not cutting everyone off. I am asking for a chance to take a step on my own.