“And you’ve done that, Papa Bear,” I said gently, trying to make sure he knew I was serious. “Who knows what would have happened if she’d taken me with her when she threatened to?”

“That’s just it, Kid. She was never going to take you away.”

A buzzing enveloped my ears. “What?”

“She came to the hospital. When you were in school.”

Anger, sleek and oily. “What did she want?”

Bear looked older than I’d ever seen him. More tired. “She came to bring the adoption papers. Renouncing her custody of you.”

“You said she sent those in the mail. That they just showed up one day.”

“I know. But she came. And I asked her. For the both of us. I asked her why.”

“And?”

He shrugged. “Said she wasn’t meant to be a mother. That we were better off without her.”

“What about when she came back? That day to the apartment. She wanted me then! She told me!” It didn’t matter that I never wanted to leave with her. It didn’t matter that it did nothing to offer her redemption in my eyes. But it had mattered, at least a little bit, to my nine-year-old heart, that my mother wanted me. That she wanted me enough to try and fight my brother for custody. That she cared about me enough to make petty demands.

That she loved me.

“It was for money,” Bear said. “Otter dated a man before he came back to Seafare. They broke up. He knew Otter had feelings for me. He wanted us to break up. He tracked her down. Offered her money. She took it. And did what she did.”

“Money,” I said stupidly. “It was about money.”

“Yeah, Kid. Money.”

“Did she get it? Did she get her money?”

Bear looked stricken. “I don’t know. It doesn’t matter.”

“You lied to me.”

“Yes. I did.”

“Why tell me the truth now?”

“Because,” he said, “you’re old enough now to understand such things. And there might come a day when you feel the need to track her down yourself. I hope that never happens, but that’s me being selfish and I can’t do that to you. If it does happen, I wanted you to know everything about her. It’s only fair.”

“Fair,” I spat at him. “How is any of this fair? What the fuck do you know about fair?”

“It’s not,” he said, his voice growing hard. “It never was and it never will be. But I have done my damnedest to make sure you’ve had a home, that you’ve known every single day that you were loved like no one else on this earth. Yes, I’ve made mistakes. Yes, I’ve fucked up and made decisions based upon what I thought was right, but if it meant keeping you healthy and sane and alive, then I’d do the same thing. Again. And again. And again.”

I laughed, but there was no humor in it. “Sane? Think we kind of lapsed on that one, Papa Bear.”