“That would work perfectly,” I grumble darkly as Corey lets out another one of his braying-donkey laughs as he all but fucks Dominic in front of everyone. It’s funny, really, when you realize your best friend is nothing but a big fat whore who needs to shut his whore mouth and fall off the earth.

But to complicate things (I am me, after all), I’m also slightly (read: extremely) annoyed with Dominic for just standing there with a bemused expression on his face, taking such advances in stride. Corey’s my friend and ex-boyfriend, not his, and he needs to back the fuck away from Corey before I climb him like a mountain and plant my fist in his face.

Gosh, I’m a remarkably complex and fascinating creature.

Maybe I’ll just off the both of them and be rid of this entire situation. I think it would make things so much easier.

“Well, as much fun as plotting evil plots behind Gross Tree Bush Thing is for me,” Creed says, “I really think we could put our focus on the ill-suffering Kid here. It’s his birthday, after all. We can’t have him be murderous.”

“I’m perfectly fine with murderous,” I tell him, though I find it slightly odd that we’ve all randomly congregated behind a plastic tree bush. No wonder people are under the impression my family is weird.

“Be that as it may, let’s change things up a bit,” he says cheerfully as he reaches out and shoves the Gross Tree Bush Thing. Bear squawks angrily as it falls to the ground with a loud crash, revealing the five of us standing in close proximity in the corner of the living room. “Tyson!” Creed says quite loudly. “You need to be more careful! That could have killed someone!”

Everyone stares at us, including Corey and Dom. Corey, that motherfucker, has a knowing smirk on his face that makes me want to rip his lips off. Who knew I had such a propensity for violent fantasies? I should probably bring this up the next time I’m in therapy. Just my luck, I’m on my way to being a serial killer on top of everything else. That’s something I really don’t need.

“I will destroy something you love,” Bear promises angrily, bending over to pick up the tree.

Well, if I am going to be a serial killer, at least I’ll know where I got it from.

“Yeah, yeah, Papa Bear,” Creed says, rolling his eyes. “Because you’re so threatening.”

“He tries,” Otter says with a sweet smile. “It’s rather adorable.”

“Gag,” Creed says. “I could have lived my whole life without hearing my older brother describe my best friend as adorable. You really outgayed yourself this time, Otter, which honestly, I didn’t think was possible, what with the whole ‘gay sex’ thing. Congratulations.”

“Tyson!” Corey calls. “There you are.” He grabs Dominic by the hand and drags him over to us. “We’ve been looking all over for you.”

This is a horrible and horrendous lie, and he knows it. “Funny,” I say through gritted teeth. “I’ve been in the same spot the whole time.”