And the worst part is, I’m glad to hear her say it. If it had been the other way around, if it had been pirate aircraft attacking an innocent ship, I’d have been ecstatic over how well the fight went. I deserve this praise. The pattern was exactly the same as a regular Reckoner fight: An act of aggression was met with a monster. Innocent lives were saved. It was self-defense, through and through.

And I don’t know anything about myself anymore if I can justify it like this.

Swift’s arm tightens around my waist, guiding me carefully past the gawking crew. My feet don’t feel real. I do my best to drag them into something resembling steps, but she has to take most of my weight, and by the time we’re down to the hall of bunks, I’ve given up on trying to contribute. I don’t question that she’s taking me to Code’s old room rather than the closet. Maybe the captain gave her the all clear, or maybe this is just another tiny rebellion, but all that matters to me is that I have a bed to sleep in.

Swift kicks the door open and deposits me haphazardly on the bunk. “I’ll get you some blankets,” she says, turning away. “Don’t go anywhere.”

“Hah,” I grumble against the vinyl of the bare mattress, but she’s gone and I don’t think she heard me. I couldn’t lift my head if I tried.

That copter must be getting back to its carrier. Must be connecting to an uplink, must be downloading the data from the fight: videos, heat signatures, statistics. A rescue ship has probably already been dispatched to the wreckage that Bao left in his wake. The families are being notified.

And my family is being notified.

First I failed to protect the Nereid. Then I failed to take the pill. And now they’re going to see exactly what I just did. They’re going to think I’ve turned, that I want to stay with my captors, that I’m one of them now. The worst failure of all, in their eyes.

E tan e epi tas.

Come back alive and victorious, or don’t come back at all.

The message couldn’t be clearer. Even if the copters succeeded, even if I’d been plucked from the ocean and dragged back to the California coast, I wouldn’t have a place waiting for me in our stables. I don’t belong there anymore. I try to picture the look on my parents’ faces when they see what I did. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to justify it to them.