The thought made me stop in the middle of clipping the beans. If Lukas and my child deserved color, didn’t I as well? I had accepted the laws that discouraged displays of beauty in fear of losing my purity, but would I wish such a thing on my own infant? Was it so wrong for me to want a red dress if I longed to dress my innocent child in red?

But it was exactly those kinds of thoughts that had led Jamie into disobedience. I had to watch my thoughts!

Dinner was to be green beans, boiled potatoes, and chicken, all of which I set in serving dishes on the table, ready for Andrew as always. Normally I’d be watching the time, waiting for his arrival at six o’clock on the dot.

Today I was distracted by Jamie. I prayed he was okay. How would he be after such a terrifying ordeal?

And Bobbie. Could I trust her? And my mother, who was still upset. And Rose, to whom I’d lied.

The last couple of weeks, Andrew had taken to placing his hand on my shoulder and kissing the top of my head when he arrived. Tonight he opened the door, walked straight past me, and sat at his place at the head of the table without so much as a word.

I quickly took my place at the table, bowed my head as he offered prayers, and started in on my food, hoping he would show me grace.

For long minutes, neither of us talked, though I could feel him glancing at me on occasion. I knew I should beg his forgiveness and offer him a renewed vow of obedience, but I couldn’t bring myself to speak it aloud.

I heard him lay down his silverware, and I looked up to see his elbows perched on the table’s end, fingers intertwined and resting just in front of his mouth, eyes contemplative but kind. They were always kind.

“I want to understand what you were thinking, Grace,” Andrew said in his low, calm voice. “But I’m struggling.”

“It was a terrible mistake,” I said, lowering my eyes to my plate.

“I’ve been sick to my stomach all day.”

“I didn’t mean to cause any problems. It was wrong of me.”

Andrew often struggled with stomach issues, particularly when he was upset. He rarely showed his frustration, but I saw it in him every time we were together. There was a ticking time bomb of fear in him that he’d found a way to control with great effort.

But that was true for all of Haven Valley. How else does one live, knowing that evil lurks to prey on the impure?

“You could have come to me when Jamie first asked for your help.”

“I should have.”

“I wish you would look at me,” Andrew said.