Tancredi

TANCREDI

James Palumbo

Contents

I Tancredi sets off to save the world

II The space ship Invincible

III Tamany’s story

IV The pirates attack

V The end of the line

VI The battle of the living dead

VII Tancredi goes to hospital

VIII The monster of Sanitalis

IX The twin moons of Eros

X Cocomo’s story

XI Bonnita’s story

XII Tancredi gets divorced

XIII Scoop

XIV The filth factory

XV The pink planet

XVI Tancredi’s lucky dip

XVII The end game

XVIII Correctomondo

XIX The Middle Way

XX The New Middle Way

XXI Comfortably Numb

XXII Ylang Ylang

XXIII The abyss

XXIV Surprise

I
Tancredi Sets Off To Save The World

Once upon a time, in the not too far distant future, there lived a young man called Tancredi who didn’t conform to the conventions of the world in which he lived. This was just as well, as Earth was in a dire situation. All the planet’s inhabitants suffered from the incurable disease of short-term thinking. Its symptoms were the ceaseless grabbing for gain and gratification. Although the fruits of this behaviour were rendered meaningless by death, no one could conceive of any other way of living.

On the day Tancredi was born, scientists discovered a new star. It was so small it had gone unnoticed for millennia. Stargazers named it Surprise, in the spirit of a little astrological joke. On closer inspection they made another finding, this one less amusing. After a lifetime of obscurity the diminutive star intended to draw attention to itself. Activity on its surface indicated that one day it would go supernova. A star, so insignificant it had escaped detection, was destined to be the instrument of Armageddon across the Universe.

Tancredi was raised by an uncle, who was an elegantly dressed, upstanding citizen, but mean-spirited. His parents had been inventors, killed in a space accident. Their deaths had an unusual effect on Tancredi: he became acutely aware of his own mortality. This went beyond a psychological reaction to the loss of his parents. Tancredi realised that since death was inevitable, he might as well try to achieve something in life. From this he developed a mission – he would save the planet, an objective of unthinkable altruism.

Meanwhile, his uncle had calculated that if Tancredi had inherited his parents’ ingenuity, he might profit with a new wardrobe.

The teenager locked himself in his room, littering it with strange drawings and mathematical calculations. Tancredi had no friends. Birthdays and school were forgotten by the sartorial miser; both were an expense. Tancredi was indifferent to pleasure, hardly ate, never spoke except to his dog. His sole aim was to find a means to accomplish his quest. He began with a series of inventions.

His first creation reflected his struggle to find meaning in a world obsessed with the quick and easy. The CrapOmeter was a machine programmed to identify myriad word combinations bearing the reek of excrement, its function to hold a mirror to the face of man’s conceits. On identification of an offending phrase, it sang out: ‘Crap Warning!’ But it was not a success, as mankind was addicted to this form of communication.

His uncle was beset with worry. Had his investment in the child been unwise?

Oblivious to these concerns, the young inventor persisted in his experiments. He adapted the device to serve an even higher purpose. Worn on an arm strap, the MoronOmeter acted as an eye into the world of its user. It too had a warning function. If the user was doing something moronic, like watching reality TV, a voice intoned: ‘Moron! Stop it!’

Much to Tancredi’s surprise, and his uncle’s delight, the machine was a sell-out, but not for the reasons he might have wished. Although the MoronOmeter was intended as a life-enhancing technology, it actually encouraged the behaviour it sought to prevent.

Just as pigs love filth, morons revel in their condition. The global brotherhood of swearers, alcoholics, drug takers and trouble makers were at last united with a purpose – who could be the most moronic? Foulness was now something at which to excel. Soon there was a Moron Master League, in which armies of the professionally unemployed battled to secure the honorific conferred by his machine.

Tancredi was now in his prime, a light-heavy-weight with rimless inventor’s glasses perched on a handsome face, and thick hair falling in every direction. Although his uncle had spent most of the profits from his invention on silk kimonos and exotic linens, Tancredi had enough left to buy a ticket on a space ship making its maiden voyage to the stars. He was terrified at the prospect of the journey, but knew there was no choice. Earth was a temple of expediency dedicated to the god of thoughtlessness. He must travel to fulfil his task.

Inexperienced and unsupported, the best he could do was launch himself in what might be the right direction. He hoped that determination, along with a little good fortune, would get him to where he needed to go. It was a troubled but purposeful young man who said goodbye to his uncle and the feckless people of Earth.

II
The Space Ship Invincible

Tancredi looked up at the immensity of the ship’s pin-shaped hull, a grey sea of shining metal dotted with windows and escape pods. He performed a somersault on the spot. Silly behaviour was the best antidote to anxiety. Before him was the spectacular vista of the mast, skyscraper-tall, disappearing into space. How would the monster get airborne?

Despite the size of the Invincible, embarkation was through a tiny portal set into its side, through which passengers were obliged to crawl on their bellies. It would take hours for everyone to board.

‘Pirates, Sir,’ said the ship’s First Officer, noticing Tancredi’s look of bewilderment. ‘When everyone’s in, pins will be set into the inner door as part of the ship’s state-of-the-art defence system.’

‘That’s ridiculous.’

‘Not at all. It’s the latest technology. Our Astro-Voyager is the first to use it. When we’re all happily boarded, you’ll see how it works. You’ll be amazed by the beauty of the system. Simplicity combined with complexity to create harmonious unity.’

He beamed with the delight of somebody who has just recited a stock answer for the first time.

The First Officer went on to explain that pirate ships roamed space assessing the defences of target vessels. If a ship was too well-defended, the pirates would leave it alone. The Invincible was equipped with millions of undulating pins, attached to her inner hull. So long as they vibrated in unison, the ship was rendered invisible. The circuit was completed at the passenger door, where a guard was posted to defend against sabotage.

‘When we get airborne you’ll feel a jolt as the system engages,’ he continued, wiggling his hips to illustrate the point. ‘The pins will be undulating in harmony, and we’ll disappear completely. Poof! We’ll be undetectable.’

His hand swept the air like a conjurer performing a vanishing trick.

Tancredi felt nervous as he squeezed himself through the portal. In his eagerness to escape one mad world, was he crawling into another?

He inched along a tunnel, emerging into an atrium the size of a cricket pitch. His anxiety was not calmed by what he found – his fellow passengers in an ecstasy of whoops, claps and cheers, worshipping the ship’s invincibility. Some were performing a can-can for no discernible reason.

Suddenly, Tancredi felt a blow to the back of his head. He had been hit by the slide section of a trombone. A band consisting of trombones, bass tubas, piccolos and kettle drums was marching up and down the deck, playing a single note. The bandsmen wore yellow costumes, with helmets from which sprouted gigantic ‘I’s. They were followed by a troupe of cheerleaders dressed in similar garb. The girls high-kicked and careened in every direction, linked arms and chanted:

‘Invincible! Invincible! Yes! We’re invincible!’

In their train appeared a trolley filled with all kinds of memorabilia, from little models of the ship to lollipops in the shape of the defensive pins. There was no short-term thinking here.

Presently, Tancredi turned his attention to a giant screen in the atrium. This showed the figure of the Captain, a man of Italian origin named Pizza, bustling about the ship’s control room with all the gravitas of his position.

He appeared to be making adjustments to the ship’s instruments. The room was, in fact, a stage set: the Invincible was operated by the Captain’s thoughts.

‘Welcome, spees cruisers,’ Pizza boomed through a speaker, ‘to the inaugural voyage of the Invincible, the safest ship in the univairs!’

Urged on by the band, the passengers cheered, and cries of ‘Invincible!’ rang out.

‘Soon we begin our spees hadventure.’

He turned towards a panel with a button set in its centre.

‘As I press this button – Avanti! La! We go!’

The passengers gave another cheer, and awaited the moment of lift-off.

The button, of course, did nothing. The Captain pushed it with a flourish and thought ‘Go’. Immediately the Invincible’s engines roared into life. Tancredi felt the deck vibrate beneath his feet. This was the bad part, take-off, that feeling of airlessness, of being an insignificant dot in a giant flying capsule.

Tancredi considered grabbing hold of a deck rail, then remembered a calming technique he’d invented. He began to tap the side of his nose with his index finger, telegraphing a soothing message to his brain. As the vibrations worsened, his tapping became more intense.

‘Time to activate our new technology. Pin defence mechanism, engage!’

With this, the screen showed a picture of the First Officer. He had taken his place alongside the Captain and other senior crew on stage. Sure enough there was a jolt, then the officers performed a synchronised wiggle for good effect.

The passengers gawped as the picture on the screen changed to one of the vessel. As the monster moved upwards, Tancredi saw a cloud of space vapour cascade from its fiery engines. Just as the ship reached the doorway to space, it hung in the air, as if uncertain what to do. Suddenly the screen went blank.

‘Ha! Now we’re invisible. Per favore, enjoy the trip.’

III
Tamany’s Story

Tancredi was enjoying the view of the stars on deck when a couple approached him to ask whether he had seen their son Tamany. He was seven, small for his age with blonde hair, wearing a blue-and-white-striped top. Tamany had a galaxy of freckles and glasses just like his. They didn’t seem too concerned. Tancredi looked blank.

‘Keep an eye out for him, will you?’ they asked, and ambled off without waiting to learn whether he would.

Momentarily the ship shuddered. To Tancredi’s alarm, a crack opened in its mast which shortly expanded into a hole. He considered another somersault, but the deck was vibrating too violently to be sure of a safe landing. Instead, he went over to investigate the damaged area. A few moments later, a young boy fell through the hole, landing at Tancredi’s feet. He dusted himself off, looking guilty.

‘I’m so sorry,’ cried Tamany, his eyes filling with tears. ‘I think I’ve done something terrible.’ He began to shake.

This was an unexpected twist. The word ‘sorry’ was unknown in the human lexicon. Tancredi picked the child up, carried him to a quiet corner, and sat him down. He much preferred children to adults, and felt almost compelled to comfort him.

‘Don’t worry, I’m sure it wasn’t your fault. Tell me what you think you’ve done, I might be able to help.’

Tamany had never been spoken to in this way before. He blinked and looked up into the large brown eyes focussed on him. There was something about Tancredi which he trusted. He took a breath of air and began his story.

‘I was a mistake, as my parents never tire of telling their friends. It took ages for me to be born – I guess I knew I wasn’t wanted. Also, my bones are soft, I’m like a mouse. Wherever my head fits the rest of me follows, which is just as well. I’ve spent my life hiding.

‘When I was three, I disappeared up our fireplace on deck. I loved the silence and secrecy. After that I followed our dog down a rabbit hole. My parents were busy, they pretended to care, but I knew they didn’t.

‘I hate this ship. From the moment we arrived I wanted to vanish. It was easy giving my parents the slip, they were watching that silly band march up and down. I found a hatch in the deck,’ he pointed vaguely towards a corridor marked ‘No Entry’, ‘and squeezed in.

‘I went along a passage to a shaft with a ladder going up it. I looked up and saw lights fading into darkness. I began to climb. Soon I was sweating. It was getting really difficult. Would I make it to the top?

‘I lost track of time after a while. My arms were getting heavy and my legs turned to stone. I thought I wasn’t going to make it. I wanted to climb back down, but I didn’t have the strength. Maybe I could rest on the ladder? I squeezed myself between two rungs. Next thing I knew, I was waking up.

‘I felt dizzy, and the lights were out of focus. “No,” I thought, “I can’t pass out.” I thought I saw something above me. I blinked. There was definitely something up there. It sort of shimmered, I couldn’t resist it. I started climbing.

‘At the top, the shaft opened into a huge dome. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen – a silver sea. It moved like a wave, tinkling like a wind chime. I climbed a bit higher to take a closer look.

‘Then I saw what it was – millions of tiny pins. I was so close I could touch them. I wanted to stroke my hand through the sea of pins. It was so shiny. It was worth the climb – I would remember the adventure forever. Then a thought popped into my head.

‘I stretched out a hand towards a pin.’

IV
The Pirates Attack

Ten seconds after Tamany removed the pin, the Invincible became visible and a Nunscrut pirate ship appeared at its side. The pirate Captain was in a bad mood: he had had a dyspeptic morning trying to digest a flesh-free breakfast. He couldn’t believe his luck, but the situation was clear – the ship ahead was defenceless. He belched an excited order for an immediate attack.

The Invincible pleasure cruiser, the pride of its line, was hit by two Nunscrut high-powered lazar torpedoes on the first day of its maiden voyage. A fissure opened in its hull, and dozens of passengers hurtled into oblivion. The ship’s emergency system activated, lights flashed, a horn sounded. The pirate Captain licked his lips in pleasurable anticipation of his prize and the improved nourishment for his table. Gigantic Nunscrut harvesting nets were deployed to gather any stray proteins which might be sucked into space.

Tancredi heard the dull thud of the missile impact and was overcome by fear. This was it, the worst was about to happen. Death, dissatisfied with taking his parents, was about to engulf him as well. As the ship disintegrated, there would be a terrible sensation of falling through air. He’d be sick as his stomach turned inside out. Then he’d be ejected into blackness, human debris amongst the ship’s exploding parts. He would suffocate as the Invincible’s oxygen supply failed.