“Kara, I know I handled everything the wrong way but please don’t punish me for having a past. I want to be with you, not her. You shouldn’t make a life with someone just because you can. I get what my dad was talking about now.”

“Yeah,” I say bitterly, “and now you’re nothing but a pathetic cheater, just like him.”

I want to take the words back as soon as I say them. I’m sinking to a level I didn’t know I could reach. Now I hate myself and him.

Ryan is immobile. He looks broken. “I guess you’re right,” he says softly.

I cover my face with my hands, stifling a sob and wiping under my eyes. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that but I’m pretty sure I’m in an altered state right now.”

Ryan gives me a pitying look and moves forward, reaching for me. I don’t know what comes over me but I fall into his embrace, tangling my hands into the back of his tux. Heat radiates off him and into me and I can feel his heart pounding against mine. I move my face back to catch my breath and before I can inhale, Ryan stoops down and kisses me. His lips are insistent and soothing and they convince me to forget about breathing.

For a second it feels right and good, a protective bubble inside a moment that is all sick and wrong. Then he squeezes me tight, so tight that the pressure jolts the last ten minutes back into my body like an electric shock.

“Don’t!” I beg, pushing him away. My face flushes red with anger and pain and the sharpest disappointment I’ve felt since my dad. “You need to go. You have to let me go.”

He doesn’t move, just stares at me. I can see he wants to wake up from this nightmare as much as I do. A minute goes by before he seems to acknowledge or accept what is happening.

“Listen to me,” I say, “we are not going to ruin Cristina’s night. We’re going to go back out there and pretend that none of this happened and then we will never see each other again. Do you understand?”

He doesn’t answer.

“I’m going to stay at Maggie’s tonight, so after the wedding go to my apartment and get—” My voice starts to quake just from saying his name in my head. I take a breath. “Get Duke and your stuff and leave.”

Ryan nods, staying quiet for almost a minute.

“I’m going to miss you so much, Kara.” His voice is strained. It’s hard to hear him and I wish I didn’t. “You were all I ever wanted.”

“I can’t do this,” I say brokenly. “Please go. I’ll come out in a few minutes.”