“It’s not about us being even. I’m trying to explain that you and I weren’t just messing around before I went off and got married. From the second I walked into your apartment there was only ever going to be you for me. I was never going back to Madison. I was never going to love or want anyone but you. You mean the world to me and I would give up everything in a heartbeat if it meant that we could be together.”

“Right. You’d give up everything except for the truth.” Ryan stays quiet as I go on, “Well, you don’t have to worry about lying anymore because we’re over. I had a good life without you for ten years and I’ll have a good life again after you leave.” I feel like my throat is closing. My eyes fill with tears and I let them fall.

Ryan growls in frustration and moves his hands to cup my cheeks. “What do I have to do to convince you that I want to be with you?”

“Nothing,” I say, pushing his hands off me. “It’s just like you said, our relationship is what I write about in my books. Up and down and falling in and out of love. Everything that happened between us was fiction. None of it was real.”

“Stop! It is real!”

“No, it’s not,” I say. “And you know what? It’s totally fine because I was faking everything, too. I just needed you for an extra boost so I could finish my book. Why else would I have invited you to stay at my apartment?”

“I don’t believe that.” The tremor in his voice tells me just how much he does believe it. “And even if it’s true, I don’t care.”

“It is true. I used you and you used me. We can both walk away with a clear conscience.”

“No!” Ryan yells. “I know this—what we have is real. You have to listen to me.” He grabs me by my shoulders, nearly shaking me. He sounds crushed. Everything about him is begging me to accept that this is somehow all okay. “I love you.”

He loves me. Ten minutes ago, those words would have filled me to the brim with happiness. All they do now is drive home how selfish he is to say them to me in this moment. He’s giving me everything I dreamed of now that it’s impossible for me to keep it.

“How can you say you love me when you put me in this position? If I forgive you, I’m weak and a home-wrecker—if I don’t, I’m stubborn and spiteful. I lose either way and you’ve somehow made it my fault.”

I move back again but Ryan only follows, matching me step for step.