“I don’t know why I take anything you say at face value.”

Ryan tilts off to the side, now holding the bulk of his weight on his right shoulder. “I can be serious sometimes. Back home I’m considered a fairly serious guy.”

“I doubt it,” I say with a grin, brushing a lock of hair off his forehead—because I can do that now.

“How about this for being serious—since we broke up, barely a week went by when I didn’t think back to the last time I saw you.”

My stomach sinks. I think about getting up again. “We don’t have to talk about this.”

“I want to,” Ryan says. “I’ve waited a long time.”

I wish I could look away or leave the room, but I stay put and keep my eyes trained on his. “Okay. Go on, then.”

Ryan takes a breath. “One of my biggest regrets was how I treated you towards the end of our relationship. I knew I was hurting you. You tried to tell me what I could do to make things better, and I just moved further and further away. I would do anything if I could go back and be there with you when you lost your dad.”

I try to push my emotions into the background like I usually do when people talk to me about my dad. Smile and nod. Dissociate and move on. “You didn’t even know about my dad, plus we were kids back then. It’s okay.”

“It’s not okay, though. And I know I apologized to you for how I acted when you broke up with me, but I want to apologize again now, as a man.”

“It’s really not necessary. We’re different people now.”

“Maybe someday we can go visit him together. I’d like to talk to him—tell him I’m sorry for not being there with you when I should have.”

Unwanted tears well up in my eyes as I imagine visiting my dad’s grave with Ryan. I hold them in. They sting but they’re manageable. I try to talk but my throat is too tight.

As it is, I go to see my dad a few times a year and every Christmas morning. My mom doesn’t know about that last part, but I’m always pulled there then. Maybe it’s from thinking of how he always had his big video camera propped on his shoulder as Jen and I opened presents until we were teenagers. I don’t want him to feel abandoned at Christmas. I’ve always visited my dad alone but maybe I don’t have to anymore.