I’m aware that I shouldn’t leave Matt hanging but, unable to give him the answer he’s looking for, I’m at a loss as to how to respond. I don’t want this to be the end, but what choice do I have? He’s been open about hoping there’s a future for us. But he’s also been really clear about the type of future he wants: that rosy picture of the two of us scaling hills together, with our adorable kids and a couple of dogs. An active outdoorsy family. It sounds wonderful, but it’s not a future I could ever be part of.

With frustrated tears in my eyes, I quickly tap out a message and hit send.

I’m afraid I can’t do tonight. Think this is all moving too fast and I’m just not ready for it. I’m so sorry, Matt. Please tell Sammy I’m sorry but the band is all too much for me too. xx

I put my phone down beside me face down and close my eyes in a bid to stop the relentless tears. After a few minutes it buzzes, signalling his response. I almost can’t bear to read it, but I’m unable to help myself.

If that’s what you want. Comes as a bit of a shock but I have to respect your decision. Shame because I saw such an amazing future for us. x

‘I know. But it wasn’t real,’ I whisper through my tears.

I’m suddenly overcome with grief for everything I lost when I found out I was ill – and everything I’ve just lost all over again.

Chapter 32

By early evening, I’ve been moved to the neurology ward. Due to staff shortages, my MRI scan and visit from the consultant have been delayed until the next day. It’s a dismal environment: a large shared room that smells of disinfectant, with some very poorly inhabitants (myself included, unfortunately). A repetitive frustrated cry accompanied by loud banging floats along the corridor from one of the other ward rooms: clearly a very distressed patient. As I learned from my first stint in this type of ward, neurological disease is one of the cruellest forms of illness.

I’m surveying my rubbery cheese and tomato omelette disdainfully when Emmanuel walks through the door. I place the heat cover back on my untouched meal and push the tray table as far away as my weak, fatigued body will allow me to.

‘Hi, Alex.’ She greets me warmly, her face full of sympathy. ‘How are you doing now?’

‘Basically the same,’ I grimace, trying to control the wobble in my voice.

‘Have you been seen by a consultant yet?’

‘No. Tomorrow afternoon, they said. After I’ve had my scan in the morning.’

‘I see. Well, please let me know how that goes.’

‘I will. How was your day? Once you actually got there.’

Emmanuel sits on one of the chairs beside my bed.

‘Alex, please don’t feel guilty or embarrassed about this morning. A big part of my job is to look after the wellbeing of my team members. You’ll learn more about that – and how important it is – on your programme.’