Chapter 27

Over the next few weeks, I manage to successfully juggle the three main elements of my new life in Birmingham: my revitalised career; my utterly delicious, blossoming romance with Matt, which has now moved through all the bases (and to be clear, I don’t mean we’ve been playing baseball); and weekly rehearsals with one of the city’s hottest semi-pro bands. It’s a near perfect picture, apart from three other things: my MS, which is like an unwelcome shadow, though I try to ignore it and continue swimming a couple of times a week as a way of managing my fatigue; the fact that I haven’t yet told Matt about either my MS or about Dom; and knowing that Dom, back in Glasgow, is waiting for an answer.

On the night of my debut appearance with the band, I’m in the ladies’ toilets of a trendy venue off New Street – nerves cutting through me like a street drill – when it all finally catches up with me. My throat starts to tighten, my breathing becoming shallow and strained. My brain simply cannot cope with the emotional complexities of my personal life, alongside this imminently terrifying experience of walking out on stage in front of hundreds of people. Unable to get my breathing under control, I pull my phone out of my handbag and dial Sasha.

‘Hi, you.’ Her bouncy tone carries down the line like a soothing tonic. ‘I thought you’d be on stage by now, taking Birmingham by storm.’

I manage a strangled laugh. ‘I’m due on in fifteen minutes… supposed to be warming up but instead I’m hiding in the toilets. I’m totally freaking out, Sash.’

‘Oh, honey, you’ll be fine. You’ll be amazing. I know it must be nerve-racking but—’

‘That doesn’t even begin to describe it. I don’t think there’s a word to express how I feel right now. Frightened… terrified… petrified. None of them seem close. And to top it off, my mind has gone into overdrive over all the other stuff I’m trying to work through.’

‘You mean the Matt versus Dom showdown.’

‘Interesting description. But, yes. That and the fact that Matt still doesn’t know about my MS. Or Dom.’

There’s a short pause at the end of the phone. ‘OK, Lex, I’m going to do two things to help you. The first is tell you to take some slow deep breaths—’

‘That’s normally my advice to you.’

‘Well, are you walking the walk right now?’

‘What? I’m just… um… I guess not. Still, I could have thought of that.’

‘Yet you didn’t.’

‘True.’

‘I learned from the best, Lex. You. Now, are you ready for my next trick?’

I lean forward against the sink unit, taking slow deep breaths, just as I’ve counselled Sasha to do so many times in the past. ‘Go on.’

‘It’s very simple. I’m going to give you a massive reassuring hug.’

‘Down the phone?’ I glance at the illuminated screen in confusion.

As I’m waiting for a response, the door to the ladies’ opens and Sasha’s voice comes from right behind me.