“But that’s why there was horror on my face, I guess. Not because you were you and I was expecting something different. But because you were you and I was realizing that any chance I’d had at seeming, I don’t know, desirable to you was probably out the window. You’d seen me at my worst like fifty times already. I was standing there, just kind of watching everything go up in smoke.”

“Eliot . . . those things . . . aren’t things that would make me not like you. You’re expecting yourself to be this, like, über masculine dude. I don’t care if you don’t want to hit someone with a baseball bat. Actually, it’s really nice that you don’t want that. First of all, I can defend myself, and you, too, if it came to that. Second of all, men are expected to, like, lust after violence and that’s just toxic masculinity at its worst. You’re not bloodthirsty? That’s great, Eliot, and I’d never ask you to be. You’re a gentle person and honestly, that’s pretty much my favorite thing about you. As for the light bulbs and the mousetraps, well, these are things that I’m comfortable with. It’s my job, you know, to take care of stuff like that. I don’t care if those things aren’t on your radar. Having feelings for someone isn’t about expecting them to be . . . anything, really. It’s about knowing somebody. And liking them for who they are.”

“So—you—are you saying that—all that stuff—me—you—”

“Wow. Deep breath, buddy.”

“Are you saying that you have feelings for me?”

“Eliot—”

“Because let me just get this out in the open first, Jessie. I know I was shocked that you were you. But I need you to know that I am so unbelievably glad that you’re JD. And it took a minute to assimilate all the new information, but now I couldn’t picture anyone else being you. And I’m so into—”

“Eliot, wait. Just . . . wait.”

“Waiting.”

“. . .”

“I mean, I’m not waiting particularly patiently.”

“Okay. Look. There’s something I have to tell you. And if you make me go all squishy on the inside I might not be able to get through it. And if I hear you say that you have feelings for me, I might do the cowardly thing and just . . . Look, I have to tell you, so just listen, okay?”

“I’m listening.”

“Where are you right now?”

“I’m just unlocking my apartment door and heading inside.”

“Good. Because you should probably be sitting down for this.”

“Um. Okay. Just a sec . . . there. I’m sitting in my living room. Bombs away.”