The lump that showed up in my throat last night unexpectedly re-emerges, and I sit up in bed, trying to swallow through it. But this time, the tears win. I cover my mouth with one hand as hard, wrenching sobs suddenly make their way out of me.

“Come on, kid. Come on, Jess. It had to happen sometime.”

I open my eyes just enough to see tears drip-drip-drop onto the blankets that I’m leaned over.

“Kid!”

“Pops. I gotta call you back.”

“No! Don’t hang up. Look, you’re obviously torn up about something. That guy you told me about? I don’t know. But I can hear it in your voice. I’ve been hearing it all week. I’m calling because I’ve got something to say to you. You didn’t let me say it when you were on the beach. But now you’re leaving me voicemails where you sound like your dog just died and now you’re crying your eyes out and I really have to make sure you hear it this time, okay?”

I don’t say anything, but I don’t hang up either and Pops knows me well enough to know that I’m listening.

“Okay. Jessie, I know I’ve been a good dad to you. I worked hard. I love you. I’m proud of it. But I also know that when your mom left, she took a part of you with her and . . .”

“Pops.”

“No. Listen. I think her leaving probably taught you the opposite of what she would have wanted you to learn. Jessie, would you describe me as loyal?”

“Are you kidding? You’re the most loyal.”

“Would you describe yourself as loyal?”

“Well . . . yeah. I learned it from you.”

“Okay. Great. That’s a good thing to be. It really is. But I want you to know that it was a part of why your mom left.”

“Mom left because you were too loyal to her?”

He laughs because he can hear the cardboard sarcasm in my tone.

“She left because I wasn’t taking care of myself. I did everything for her. For you. For everyone in the neighborhood. I ran myself ragged in the name of loyalty and I wasted myself away. I changed. I wasn’t the man she married.”

“Pops.”

“She begged me to learn how to take care of myself. But I thought it was selfish. I just kept seeing it as selfish. So, I doubled down and tried like hell to do everything for her. Any little thing I thought she might need. I pushed and pushed. But here’s the thing. If you don’t take care of yourself, you can’t know yourself, Jess. And if I didn’t know myself, do you think I had a chance in hell of knowing her?”

“What . . . are you saying, exactly?”