I palm her forehead again, because someday I’d like to have children and I don’t trust her not to kick me in the jewels right now. I turn the phone to show her. She squints at the screen and then immediately looks like her brain has short-circuited.

I figure I might have to explain. “I call him Fred. Because I met him at work and he goes by Frederik or Fred at work. But in his personal life? He goes by his middle name.”

I can clearly see that she had absolutely no clue that the man who just emailed her, the man who she was just talking to on the phone, is my best friend, Fred.

“Eliot. Give me my phone.”

I blink at her. She does not seem shocked or joyous or amazed. I immediately drop my hand from her forehead and hand the phone over to her. I may have miscalculated this.

“Wait. Crap. Vera, I didn’t think you’d be this upset. It seemed funny to me, but . . .”

“Cal is Fred.”

“Yes—”

“He lied about who he was?”

“No. Well—”

I track back to my conversation with Fred earlier in the week. About the cutie he’s been talking to through the customer service line of his company. Be honest, I told him. And my guess is that the email she hasn’t opened yet contains every bit of that honesty. Unfortunately, my nosy ass got in the way in the meantime.

“Why the hell is he masquerading as a customer service representative!?”

I’ve really got to do some damage control without further inserting myself in their business.

“He wasn’t trying to be deceptive—”

“This entire time I’ve been talking to the CEO of the company!?”

“Really, Vera, he was trying to—”

“Don’t talk right now!”

She’s got her I-mean-business face on and I know from experience that she definitely, you know, means business.

“Let me just—”

“Eliot!”

“Say one more—”

“I swear to God.”

“Read the email, Vera.”

“How do you know what’s in the email?”

“He’s one of my closest friends! I helped him—”

“This is sick. This is next level. Even for you. Tell me the truth, did you know? Did he?”

“What? No! Vera, I’m not a good actor. Do you honestly think I had any idea before the last five minutes?”

She deflates, looking defeated and confused and shocked. And honestly, I can’t blame her. In fact, now that I think about it, I don’t even know why I thought she would be anything but that. I know exactly how it feels to have someone’s identity abruptly revealed to you. To not expect them to be who they are. To develop feelings for someone and then have to reconcile the fact that they’ve hidden themselves from you.