And for the first time in my life, I’m making money.

I want to hide under the bed. I want to pull out my earring, take down my shingle, get enough caffeine patches to keep me awake for ever, and never do dreamwork again ever ever ever ever.

Ever.

I haven’t listened to any ASMR since I got sick. When you’re desperately trying to stay awake more than four hours a day, the last thing you need is somebody making soothing noises and doing everything they can to get you to relax. For a while, I tried to keep up my friendships in the online community, but eventually I had to cut everything off. It was ironic, because just as I’d been establishing a subscriber base for my channel, I had to stop. I even sold my microphones. That was heartbreaking.

At first, I got messages from people: Where are you? We miss you. Could you do that thing with the hourglasses again? Could you do a jungle sounds video? Could you do that cooking one?

I felt like a strung-out superhero who had to stop rescuing people. I wanted to say, No, I can’t save you from your anxiety and sleeplessness, I would but I’ve lost my powers. But I didn’t say anything. I just let the channel lie fallow. And now here it is reviving itself thanks to the lightning speed of rumours across Spacetime. Again I consider calling Shandy, if only because she’ll be offended if she wakes up and finds me trending and she’s the last to know.

But if I tell her, she’ll want to come over and hear all the details, and I really need to quiet my mind now. I’m a wreck. I’m so messed up that even my narcolepsy seems to be malfunctioning, because usually stress puts me right to sleep but apparently I’ve gone straight through stress, past panic and out of the other side. I’m wired.

I find myself sitting cross-legged on my futon-bed, which is covered with a fine layer of Edgar’s fur. I start to take out my earring to go to sleep and then change my mind. I rearrange my field of vision so the connection is completely private. No one can message me. I leave open my favourite channel on Sweet Dreams. It belongs to Shveta X, an ASMRtist from New Delhi who used to be one of my go-tos. She even encouraged me by linking to my channel after I put up my ‘Sounds of Rainy London’ video, and sometimes she messaged me even after I got sick. I like Shveta more than anyone. She has an inherently calming vibe. The way she talks, the way she moves, her big, compassionate eyes and the deliberate way she does everything.