“If I’m worried about you, I don’t have to be worried about me. And giving birth.”

“You’re welcome, then,” I say. “Totally worth it.”

She sighs.

“We should go to bed,” I say. “We need to be asleep, or Santa won’t come.”

We say our good nights.

I put myself to bed, but sleep eludes me. I let hours pass before I give up and kick off the covers. I go downstairs and out to the back patio. It’s flurrying. I cross the patio and step out onto the frosty grass. I lower myself down. I look up at the night sky. It’s starless. The moon is somewhere, I know, in a gentle phase. Letting me be. All I can see are the flurries tumbling down, down, down, down. Wet and soft and, suddenly, nothing.

—

The next morning, I find Matty in the kitchen with Scarlett. He brought donuts. He also got me a large pepperminty latte that’s truly disgusting, but I drink it anyway because I appreciate the gesture.

I definitely have to apologize to him at some point. Admit that I was wrong. Yuck.

After coffee and donuts, he helps Scarlett out to the car, and I follow, carrying presents.

“Careful. It’s icy,” he tells me.

I ignore his warning and promptly fall on my ass.

“Are you okay?” he asks. His concern is genuine and sweet, and it floods me with remorse.

I try to get up and slip again. Scarlett laughs.

I flip her off.

“I’m fine,” I say. If there’s a bruise, it’ll be gone by the time we get to Joann’s.

I’m dreading seeing Joann after how I treated her at Scarlett’s baby shower. I cope with my anxiety by singing along to Christmas songs on the radio. My rendition of “All I Want for Christmas Is You” is truly something special.

I try to break Matty with the high notes, but he doesn’t flinch.

“You could be a professional,” he deadpans when the song’s over.

This gets Scarlett.

“Stop making me laugh,” she says. “It makes the baby go crazy.”

“Yeah?” Matty asks. He reaches over to feel.

It makes me deeply uncomfortable. It’s too intimate a thing for me to be witnessing. Makes me squirmy.

They look so in love right now. So happy. It’s hard for me to wrap my mind around it, with everything that’s happened. That he could still love her after she betrayed his trust.

I don’t understand how it’s possible to live with your heart in someone else’s hands. To have the capacity to forgive them if they break it.

“Last Christmas” comes on and I start dancing in the backseat.

“This is it,” I say. “This is my moment.”

“I can’t wait,” Matty says. “Please be as loud as possible.”

I clear my throat. “Not a problem.”

—

Joann hugs me and kisses me on both cheeks. I’m relieved that she doesn’t appear to be holding my baby shower behavior against me.

“Good to see you, sweetie,” she says. “Merry Christmas.”