He reaches down and begins to lift the hem of my dress.

I step back before I do something I regret.

“Thanks for the cigarette,” I say.

I go back inside and straight to the bar. I order a whiskey on the rocks.

Ash comes over and puts her arm around me.

“Rory,” she says, “are you okay?”

“Stellar. Where’s Mia?”

“She left with that guy. Rory, I—”

“Let’s get pizza and play Skee-Ball,” I say. So that’s what we do.

The rest of the night passes in a haze of detachment, the events rendered surreal by sadness. At some point, Ash calls Seth to come pick us up.

And then I’m in the backseat of his car, and he’s got Billy Joel playing, and I say something like “You would.”

Then we’re back at Ash’s.

“Sleepover! We can stay up all night and watch movies and eat snacks and . . .” She passes out on the couch before she gets a chance to pull it out for us.

I sit in the recliner and pull a blanket over my head.

“I could put you in the guest room,” Seth says.

“I’m fine here, thanks. Hey, do you have any jerky?” I could really go for some meat.

“Jerky?”

“Yeah. Like beef jerky, turkey jerky.”

“Uh, no,” he says. “Sorry.”

“Bummer.”

I’m sitting on something. There’s a small, sharp object poking into my left butt cheek. Seems like too much effort to remove it. So I don’t. I don’t care.

I don’t care about anything anymore.

Anything or anyone.

I tried. I’m done.

I close my eyes and will myself to sleep.

XI

There’s something in my nose. I open my eyes, and Luca’s tiny face is there. He’s got his small grubby finger shoved up my nostril.

“Luca,” I say.

He removes the finger, then climbs onto my lap. He sports dinosaur underpants and what I presume is one of Ash’s tank tops. It’s lacy.

“Luca, I’m sleeping.”

“No sleeping,” he says. “My chair.”

“Luca,” I hear Seth say. “Luca, be nice to Aunt Rory.”

“No,” he says.

“Appreciate your candor.”

I yawn and rub my eyes. Last night comes back to me. The hurt is there, crawling out of the shallow grave I attempted to bury it in.

I’ve been fighting so hard for a future, and for what? For whom?

It was a mistake, letting my guard down. Giving in to my feelings for Ian. Allowing myself to have those feelings in the first place. I should have known better. I should have protected myself.

It’s on me.

Luca shoves his finger up my other nostril.

“All right,” I say, shifting so I can stand. I find a plastic block under my butt.

“That mine,” Luca says.

“If you really want it back,” I say. “After where it’s been.”

He does. He snatches it out of my hands.

Something smells amazing. “You making breakfast?” I call out.

I pick up Luca under my arm and let him hang there. He giggles. I carry him into the kitchen with me.