It wasn’t just the rape to blame. It was her. Other women were stronger, other women moved on and managed to get a boyfriend, have regular sex, be normal... but not her. She’d never managed any of what she’d wanted, she’d hidden away from even trying, and now it was too late. She’d been too messed up for too long, because she’d been a coward, and now she was broken, and Michael was staring at her like he could see all the ways she was damaged, all the ways she was abnormal, and his gaze on her felt like walls closing in around her, trapping her, so she couldn’t escape from the truth... the truth was she should have never put her hand in his again, she should have never tried to lean on him again, because she was never going to be worthy of his attention.

“Ellie,” he started to say, his voice gentle, his hand reaching for her, from across the bed, but the piece of furniture stood between them as if the divide which had always been there had somehow physically manifested.

“I want you to get out,” she said, her voice harsh even to her ears. She hugged Watson, who had stopped mewing and was kneading her shoulder where his paws rested, as if trying to comfort her. “You should have never stayed last night, I told you... I told you I didn’t want this, I wasn’t ready for anything more than a club relationship... I...”

Her voice trailed off as his hand dropped and he stared at her with solemn eyes.

“I know, Ellie,” he said, and the gentleness in his voice made her want to scream at him. He was still looking at her, still trying to be patient with her, but still wanting things from her, and she felt just like she had in college when she’d tried to have a normal relationship before she’d realized she couldn’t, because people in a normal relationships had sex and sleepovers and intimacy. “Sleeping here was an accident and I’m sorry, I just meant to stay until you fell asleep and I must have been more tired than I thought. I didn’t mean to push myself on you-“

“Why are you talking to me like that?” she snapped at him, glaring. “I’m not... I don’t need soothing, I just need you to leave.”

“I just want to make sure we’re okay before I go,” he said, his eyes looking even more wounded, which made her chest ache even as it made her want to throw something at him.

Stop looking at me like that!

“We’re fine, now get out!” Her voice shook and the look he gave her was more firm.