The look of sleepy warmth on Michael’s face slid away to a more serious expression, tinged with hurt, which just put Ellie’s back up even more. Obviously he’d expected her to be okay with him sleeping over, but that just wasn’t the kind of relationship they had. They didn’t have a real relationship, not outside of the club. Yeah, they’d been spending time together, but nothing beyond that. A few kisses, kisses which didn’t even involve tongue, didn’t mean she was okay with graduating to sleepovers. Especially sleepovers which were just about sleeping.

While some small part of her acknowledged she should be okay with a regular sleepover, that it was weird she would have felt better if they’d had sex last night and he’d then fallen asleep afterwards, another part of her felt like her abnormal reaction was just another indication of everything damaged about her. Her expectations, her reactions, they weren’t normal. She wasn’t normal.

Why did she ever think she could do this? Just because she wanted it?

Since when had she ever gotten what she wanted without it turning into a nightmare?

She’d wanted a boyfriend, and she’d fallen for Lawrence of all people, until his true colors had been revealed.

She’d wanted her mom and best friend to believe her, to support her, but all they’d done was question her and then tell her it was better to stay silent. She might have come to that conclusion on her own in the end, but she’d still wanted to feel like they would have supported her if she hadn’t.

She’d wanted a boyfriend in college, but she’d managed to drive away the one guy willing to try and work through her issues with her.

The only time she’d ever gotten what she’d wanted was when she’d gone to Stronghold and scened with dominants who were willing to give her what she needed, and then she could leave. And now she was fucking that up too, because she’d had to go and want more than that. Because she’d decided getting her needs met wasn’t enough, she’d wanted to try and be normal, to try and work towards having a normal relationship, even though she was anything but.