And when he was inside me, I felt Aldi Birch, saw his exploded caved-in face. But also, I saw before that explosion, saw his eyes beneath his brow, his willow legs, felt the ways he and I had petted each other softly, as if we were only touching ourselves.

16

KAREN

I had something to report. I had a reason to call home. High-pressure fracked gas, a whole fresh hell, was on its way to our place, would be shot through the repurposed pipeline beneath Rudy’s nursery, would flow alongside the spring. I thought of vintage pipe, fissures, seepage. I thought of what Jay had said. Blast zone of two miles. I spent long days in my container Googling pipeline spills, leaks, explosions. The industry said things were fine, of course they did. But pretty much everyone else said things weren’t fine at all. I needed to warn Lily.

When Lily and I got together, she said I seemed experienced, a woman who knew what she wanted from life. But if it had been left up to me, we’d still be standing awkwardly in the hardware and salvage store. All I’d known how to do was bring home a utility sink and come back the next day. Lily did the rest. She made me understand that the only reason I’d built a cabin at the Land Trust was for her to live in it with me. Pretty soon she was packing me sandwiches and apples for my shifts at the clinic, patching the tire of my bike so she could ride it to work, catching my eye at interminable Land Trust meetings while Deirdre strummed her guitar. We slept outside together as often as we could. We held on to each other. We stayed side by side. Lily took my terror and confusion and translated it to love, or to going through life together, whichever came first. I needed to hear her voice. I needed to call home.

Needed to but didn’t.

If I called home, Lily would say, You’d better be able to rewind the tape. You’d better be able to replay the scene so that this time when you grip Perley’s thin arm, when you hoist him harshly, you don’t throw him out the door. Instead, you swing him into your arms. You hold him tight. You tell him why you did it. You tell him what it means. You tell him that you’re bringing him home.

She would say, Well? Do you still think we should be patient?

I didn’t call.