But I wasn’t going to tell Helen all that. It didn’t matter, not now. Even if I decided to go back to the clinic today, after seven years out of work, it would be too late.

“It’s steady money, all right,” I said. “Too steady. You think I haven’t done the math? Too slow and steady for the ninety-day review.”

“It would help,” she said.

“It’s not enough,” I said. “It’s not enough for a septic system. It’s not enough for a lawyer. It’s not enough when things go wrong.”

“You’re not going off and leaving, not right now,” she said. I sprayed vinegar, wrung a dishrag.

Fifteen thousand dollars. That sum of money made me know I was a useless piece of shit. Didn’t have it in savings. Didn’t have it on the horizon. Didn’t know anyone who did. Like not asking for help on the house, didn’t want to admit to any of these assholes that I couldn’t provide for my own family. And anyway, how did I know they were my own family if I couldn’t provide for them? As I’d always suspected, I was bound to be alone. Lily wouldn’t talk to me. Perley at every turn chose the Mean Aunt and even the ice-cream cake intake worker over me. The law said I was a nonentity. Might as well be a nonentity somewhere I could be useful. Fifteen thousand dollars. Maybe if I had that, I could buy my way back in.

Next morning, I cursed my leaking truck, cinched up my hood, and started walking to town. Got about halfway, a good three miles and an hour through the cold, when Rudy pulled up next to me in his truck. “Where the hell are you going?” he asked. “Do you need a ride?”

“I’ll accept it,” I said. “I guess I’m going to the library.”

“The least you could do is let me buy you breakfast first,” he said.

The dive bar on the edge of town looked closed but was never closed. Inside, the place was warm and dark, heat vent blasting, pool table in the corner, beer signs dim, no other customers. We sat at the bar and Rudy ordered a Natural Ice from a sleepy bartender, one for me too, though I hadn’t had a drink in years. He asked for peanuts, but was informed the peanuts didn’t come out until 4:00 p.m.

“Sorry about that,” he said. “I could have sworn they had free food.”

“Shouldn’t you be hibernating by now?” I said. “We usually don’t see you until spring.”